Becoming Chao

Undercover Agent (a.k.a., privatizing my blog)

2012-02-24T09:52:00.002-08:00

Hey, dear ones! After months of vacillating, I've finally decided to privatize my blog. It's always felt a little strange writing for the unknown reader, and I've noticed myself increasingly wary of posting my writing. So I'm going stealth. =)

Blogger lets you select up to 100 people for a private readership, so if you'd like to continue to read my ramblings, shoot me an email (becomingchao@gmail.com) with your email addy, and I'll happily add you in. I'm excited to continue writing for you!

~Agent Chao

P.S. - If you're related to me or one of my besties, you have no choice--I'm adding you! ;)

Italian Turkey Soup

2012-02-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

The Chaos love soups. So much so that even in the middle of this balmy winterless winter, I'm busting out a soup at least once a week. We also love ground turkey, which made this recipe worthy of trying last night. After a few bites, Eddie said, "What did you put in this?" And then, "You can make this as often as you want." Now that's a good recipe. Thank you, http://www.ourbestbites.com/2008/11/italian-turkey-soup/!

Italian Turkey Soup

Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1/2 lb ground turkey
1 small onion (about 3/4 C) diced
4-5 garlic cloves, minced
1 T Dry Italian seasoning
Salt
Pepper
1 can (15oz) canned diced tomatoes
1 can (15oz) white beans (Cannelini, Great Northern, etc) drained and rinsed
2 14 oz cans chicken broth
1t dry oregano
1/4 t dry basil
1 T dried parsley (or about 1/4 C fresh)
4-6 C fresh spinach
fresh Parmesan cheese (I used my rice-based substitute to keep this dairy-free)

Pour a couple swigs of extra virgin olive oil (1-2 T) into a large stock pot. Turn burner to med-high heat.

When oil is nice and hot, add diced onions, minced garlic, and ground turkey. Stir to combine and add the 1T dry Italian seasoning, along with about 1/2 t salt and several turns of black pepper. Cook until turkey is completely cooked through. When you’re browning ground beef or turkey for soup it’s important to cook it all the way through before adding the liquid or it will end up mushy.

(If you want to cook this via slow-cooker, place the turkey mixture in the crock pot now and continue. Although, you may want to hold off adding your beans until about 15 minutes before you’re ready to eat or they might turn to mush in there.)

Add in canned tomatoes (including all the juice), the drained beans, and the chicken broth. Add oregano and basil and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer and simmer for at least 10 minutes, and up to 20.

While soup is simmering chop spinach. Add in spinach and parsley and stir until wilted. Also, additional salt and pepper to taste. Ladle into bowls and top with freshly grated Parmesan cheese.

A Morning Liturgy

2012-01-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

Morning.

It's quiet and dark when I tiptoe past our little man's nursery and out to the kitchen. I wish I could sleep till he wakes, but pumping still pushes me out of bed. In an hour my cute little alarm clock will go off, so I'll have to choose between slipping back into the warm covers beside my husband or tackling a few household chores uninterrupted.

It's 6:30 a.m. when Jeremy lifts his head that's been burrowed in the crib bumper, and smiles and babbles before begging for breakfast. After eating, he wiggles and looks at me with big eyes, as if he's as excited about our morning routine as I am. It's out to the kitchen again where I'll cook oatmeal loaded with roasted pecans and crispy apples, pure maple syrup and cinnamon, while Jeremy plays in his high chair, dropping toys over the edge of the tray and drooling. Oatmeal's done, coffee's brewed, and Jeremy joins me with his own baby oatmeal and chomping on the edge of my favorite coffee mug.

My hubby's almost ready for work when we get back to the bathroom, and after some life-sustaining goodbye kisses from him, Phase Two of our morning begins: the Johnny Jump Up and a 20-minute showing of Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Please don't judge. I was determined to not let my baby watch movies—until I realized I could shower and do my hair and makeup with Jeremy happily, distractedly beside me in the bathroom. (It won't be the last time an ideal gets thrown out the window to make room for reality.) Now all it takes is for me to sing "There goes the baker with his tray like always..." and my little guy lights up and looks for Belle. Okay, now I'm judging myself. It's high time we get a manly musical for him to watch, isn't it? (Or is that an oxymoron? Manly musical? Oh my. Well, don't worry: we'll play baseball and roll in the mud as soon as he's mobile.)

Photography by Karen Race

And then an hour or two has passed since his waking, and it's time for Jeremy's morning nap while I try to tackle one or two tasks before he wakes again. (Have I mentioned how much I cherish uninterrupted tasks and how much my Lord is teaching me in the surrendering of them? Half-vacuumed rooms, half-folded loads of laundry, half-written blogs, half-washed sinks of dishes, and half-drafted emails make me feel half crazy. But I'm learning joy and contentment in beautiful new ways as I lay down my wants and wishes—my agenda—for each day.)

Before I know it, the morning has surrendered itself to the early afternoon and all its activity. I love our daily beginnings, these simple rituals. For a girl who used to revel in spontaneity and change, I'm surprised at how much I find comfort in the liturgy of our morning routine. This season of life will soon pass, and our sweet routine with it, so I treasure up all these little habits that make up our mornings and I thank God for these undeserved joys of motherhood.

Photography by Karen Race

Like apples to oranges (but we're all a little fruity)

2012-01-06T16:08:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why we girls like to compare ourselves with other girls? What is it with us?! From our boyfriends to babies, talents to temptations, we measure ourselves against Lydia, Amy, and Desiree to determine our standing and worth. Without fail, the results of our survey leave us feeling either inferior and condemned... or superior and proud.

Maybe I’m the only one, but have you ever had any thoughts like these?

She always has a new outfit and looks perfect. I feel so plain and pieced together next to her. Well, at least I’m not a shopaholic!

I’ll never do that at my wedding. That’s so weird…

How does she have three kids, a home business, a church ministry, and make homemade crafts? I can barely keep up with one baby, cooking, and cleaning! I wish I could juggle as well as she does.

Her house is a disaster! I’ll never let mine look like that.

Everything seems to come so easily to her. She would never understand my struggles.

It’s humbling to admit that those kinds of thoughts have run through my head, but alas, they have—many times. I’m so thankful for a kind Savior whose Spirit convicts me of my sin, prompts me to reject (and hate) those thoughts, and reminds me that my value is found in Him alone. Then, when I’m filled up with His love and His truth about who I am, I’m free to accept but not be dependent upon others’ love and affirmation. I can stop comparing. I can love others with abandon. Christ’s love liberates me from both pride and condemnation. And it gives me the grace to understand that I don’t have the full story behind another woman’s choices and priorities, accomplishments and shortcomings.

I love the perspective of time (something I have in my mid-thirties that I didn’t have in my teens and twenties). I don’t compare myself nearly as much as I did ten years ago because I’ve seen that God’s story is not a short children’s book—it’s a long, beautiful, dramatic novel. Just as it seems that the final chapter of our life has been etched in stone, another chapter unfolds, with new daring adventures and fresh struggles and joys. When I was single and approaching 30 years old, it was too easy to look at my beautiful friends with godly husbands, comfy homes, precious children, and a close-knit circle of married friends—and feel like I’d gotten the short end of the stick: I was single, working full-time, migrating between different apartments and roommates, and feeling like I didn’t really fit in anywhere. But time has revealed that “what appears to be is not, and what has not yet appeared will be by faith” (Pastor Bill Yeager). Our God is about a good sanctifying work in all of His children, and He is faithful to weave joys and sorrows into each of our lives in such a way that we need Him and delight in Him alone. My long-married friends have suffered deeply in their own ways, in ways I never could endure; and it’s our differences that have deepened and beautified our friendships.

Oh, for the bigger picture! We are shortsighted, are we not? We desperately need to meditate on Scriptures like Isaiah 41:10, “Do not look anxiously look about you, for I am your God” and John 21:21-22, “[Peter] said to Jesus, ‘Lord, what about [John]?’ Jesus said to him, ‘If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!’” Peter was comparing himself with John, which blinded him to what was truly important: following Jesus. Peter wanted to be better than John, favored over John—and Jesus wouldn’t have any of it!

“Colleen, you follow me!” Stop comparing. Stop looking anxiously about. Stop trying to compete and be better than the next woman. Stop despairing and feeling inferior. Fix your eyes on the One who formed you in your mother’s womb, who will complete the good work He began in you, and who loves you with an everlasting love.

Blogging still scares me

2012-01-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

Blogging still scares me. It’s a relatively new medium and I have a healthy fear of becoming a self-important, self-absorbed blogger. My blog is a dime-a-dozen. There’s nothing that makes it particularly unique, I’ll never have a massive readership, and there are countless girls who can write much better than I, expressing these same life lessons more eloquently and persuasively. My life is truly not interesting enough to be blog-worthy, and my insights not all that profound.

Blogging takes time. It takes vulnerability. And it requires a certain level of confidence—assuming that someone else will want to read what I write. Blogging means opening myself up to criticism. That alone has made me tremble at the thought of ever publishing a book. At least with a blog I can hit “delete” if I realize an error in my ways. In print, you’re stuck. Just the same, exposing your heart on a blog without the benefit of personal context and relationship is risky business.

So why blog anyway? Why use this medium to communicate? Why risk negative feedback or chirping crickets—as well as the danger of becoming all-too-important-in-my-own-eyes?

Well, for starters, you are one of my reasons. Although I may write in solitude, some of you have dared to email me, introducing yourselves and sharing your own stories in response to mine—and the fellowship has been unbelievably sweet. Our experiences are so similar, our struggles the same, our longings and temptations not as unique as we may think. This creative way of connecting with other women has been a fulfilling venture.

Blogging has also allowed me to process life lessons, engage in a creative outlet, and exercise my writing/editorial skills in-between diaper changes and loads of laundry. To stay mentally sharp and able to articulate what’s going on in my head and heart takes a little more effort these days, but it’s well worth it.

Blogging is both enjoyable and compelling. There are certain posts that press hard upon my heart for weeks and months before I actually write and post them. Even if it’s not a profound post, the value lies in the exercise of penning my heart. There’s a unique satisfaction and joy that comes from writing about what I’m learning—with the goal of encouraging other women.

I’m still navigating these new waters, still trying to figure out how to honor my Lord in it, still learning how to best encourage others through this medium. But doesn’t it seem that so much of life is risking by faith, trying because of hope, and trusting the Lord to lead us as we seek His heart? He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us: He makes things clear in His perfect timing.

Blogging is a risky, enjoyable, compelling exercise of faith. Every time I post I pray that someone will be encouraged, will want Jesus more, will be motivated to read the bible, or will be cheered on through difficult circumstances. Those are “God things,” results I can’t accomplish through my writing but through God’s gracious Spirit ministering through my feeble words. And while I shrink at criticism (I’ll admit, I’m a woos), I will welcome yours if it would help me write more effectively and honor my Lord through this blog.

Thanks for reading, for writing, and for being on this adventure with me, dear reader….

Colleen

P.S. - And thanks to my mom for the conversation that inspired this post. =)

Coconut Peanut Butter Oatmeal Balls

2012-01-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

These are so quick and tasty, they're definitely a new favorite! You can find the original recipe at

http://weelicious.com/2010/09/14/coconut-peanut-butter-oatmeal-balls-aka-snow-balls/. I made only one modification: I replaced the honey with agave.

Coconut Peanut Butter Oatmeal Balls (Makes 40-50 balls depending on the size)

1 1/4 Cup Old Fashioned Oats, ground in a food processor

1/2 Cup Peanut Butter (you can also use almond, cashew or sunflower butter)

1/2 Cup Honey

1/2 Cup Coconut Flakes, unsweetened

1. Place the oats in a food processor or blender and pulse until finely ground.

2. Stir the peanut butter and honey in a bowl until thoroughly combined.

3. Add the ground oats and continue to stir until thoroughly combined.

4. Using 1 tsp of the mixture at a time (I like to use a mini ice cream scooper or a spoon), roll into balls or logs (Kenya’s idea).

5. Place the coconut in a separate bowl or plate and roll the balls or logs in the coconut to completely cover.

6. Serve.

**Freezing: place balls on a sheet tray and freeze for 30 min. Remove, place in a ziploc bag, label and place back in freezer. Can be frozen up to 3 months.

These are a few of my favorite... books!

2011-12-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's been four months since I began compiling this list of my favorite books, thanks to Jen Brown's inspiring suggestion. (Jen and I met through our blogs, not yet in person, and we've enjoyed the sweetest fellowship via email and Facebook. I'm so thankful for her and her ministry of encouragement in my life!) It's been fun revisiting these books I refer to as "old friends" and the fond memories of times and places I've read them.

And Jen, per our agreement, I think this now obligates you to post your own lovely list! ;)

The books I return to again and again…

The Dangerous Duty of Delight, Piper

The Importance of Being Foolish, Manning

The Grand Weaver, Zacharias

The Knowledge of the Holy, Tozer

The Cross-centered Life, Mahaney

The biographies that have shaped my life…

Marriage to a Difficult Man, Dodds

A Chance to Die, Elliot

The Legacy of Sovereign Joy, The Roots of Endurance, The Hidden Smile of God, Piper

Shadow of the Broad Brim, Day

George Mueller’s Autobiography, Mueller

The books that celebrate God’s design for marriage…

This Momentary Marriage, Piper

Sacred Sex, Gardner

Intimate Issues, Dillow

What Did You Expect?, Tripp

When Sinners Say I Do, Harvey

The collections that whet my appetite for more of the Word…

Morning and Evening, Spurgeon

A Godward Life, Piper

My Utmost for His Highest, Chambers

Valley of Vision, Puritans

St. Augustine’s Confessions, Augustine

The books for my imaginative side...

All Things Great and Small, Herriot

Redeeming Love, Rivers

Christy, Marshall

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, Stevenson

Emma, Austen

The books for my wordy nerdy side…

Eats, Shoots & Leaves, Truss

Lapsing into a Comma, Walsh

The Elephants of Style, Walsh

Garner’s Modern American Usage, Garner

Chicago Manual of Style

The books that have sustained me in my darkest seasons…

Deserts of the Heart, Reeve

The Problem of Pain, Lewis

The Grand Weaver, Zacharias

The Swans are Not Silent, Piper

Get Out of That Pit, Moore

Faith like a child

2011-12-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

My best friend's husband, Joey Allen, wrote and illustrated this children's gospel tract some time ago, but I stumbled upon it tonight and was refreshed all over again by the gospel message--its simplicity and power--from a child's perspective and understanding.

Enjoy!

For Joey's theology books for children, visit Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Gospel-Big-Thoughts-Little-Thinkers/dp/0892216174/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1324275231&sr=8-2

Almond flour biscuits

2011-12-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

These are easy, delicious, and low in carbs, high in protein!

Recipe from http://www.elanaspantry.com/biscuits.

Biscuits

2 ½ cups blanched almond flour, plus about 1 cup for dusting the dough
½ teaspoon celtic sea salt
½ teaspoon baking soda
¼ cup earth balance natural buttery spread (soy free)
2 eggs
1 tablespoon agave nectar

In a medium bowl, combine almond flour, salt and baking soda.

In a large bowl, blend together buttery spread, eggs and agave.

Stir the dry ingredients into the wet until a nice dough forms.

Roll out dough between 2 pieces of parchment paper to 1 ½ inches thick.*

Dust dough with extra almond flour if it is sticky and/or misbehaving.*

Cut the dough into biscuits using a mason jar with a 3-inch wide mouth.*

Using a spatula, transfer biscuits to a parchment lined baking sheet.*

Bake at 350° for 15 minutes, until biscuits are browned on the bottom edges.

Serve with gravy, jelly or whatever else your heart desires.

Makes about 10 biscuits

*Okay, so I cheated. Baby wasn't going to let me roll out the dough, cut it, dust it, and so on. So I grabbed lumps of dough, rolled them into balls, and patted them down a bit. Then I threw them onto the cookie sheet (doctored with olive oil spray) and dusted some almond flour on top. They turned out great!!

Seven super lifesavers for a new mommy

2011-12-09T23:24:00.000-08:00

If I were stranded on an island with an infant, and could have only seven things to survive....

Okay, okay. My list of seven super lifesavers is not that lifesaving; in fact, it's a bit superficial. You could definitely survive without these things (except maybe #3). But aside from my Abba, my husband, and my bible, these seven things have really, really helped me in my first five months as a mommy!

So I give you, in no particular order, my lifesaving list....

1. Healthy and handy snacks

Mealtime takes a lot of thought, prep, and work for someone like me (with allergies to lactose, sugar, gluten, and raw veggies), so healthy snacks on hand during these first months have kept me from starving several times.

2. Coffee delivered

I know, I know. This one sounds pathetic. Spoiled. Ridiculous. I could definitely live without coffee if I needed to. (I think.) But if you love coffee like I do, and then you suddenly find that it takes a LOT of work to make your own or to get to the local coffee shop during those first days and weeks after delivery--someone delivering good, strong, freshly brewed-and-iced coffee to your door is on par with a miracle.

3. Grace

Many of you have gifted me with lavish grace during this huge transition into motherhood. I naively thought I'd be able to juggle much more and much sooner, but I've had to lower my expectations of myself for a season. I've canceled on so many of you because of sickness, exhaustion, or just an overwhelming day here and there. I've fallen months behind on correspondence, and I've not been able to be involved in or attend many wonderful activities, birthday parties, special events, and so on. It's just taking more time than I thought to find a new rhythm, to juggle new responsibilities, and to strike a new balance--and grace and unconditional love from friends and family has meant more than any material gift ever could.

4. Massage

Okay, so if you watch your budget like we do, this may seem a bit extravagant, but my dear hubby has prioritized sending me to my favorite Chinese reflexology place ($25/hour for a fully clothed full-body massage) every few weeks. It's a lifesaver and has helped me relax physically and sleep better. Because Jeremy gained a pound a week for his first three months (we have a big boy!), and didn't like to be set down at all till last month, I had some chronic aches and pains. Needless to say, massages have been a huge blessing!

5. Diaper bag with a fold-out diaper-changing pad

Best thing ever for nasty public restrooms and awkward diaper changes in the backseat of your car and at a friend's house where you don't want to chance getting poop on their bedspread and.......etc.

6. The Table-Mate II

(Warning: this will sound like a commercial.)

I wish it hadn't taken four months of nursing to discover the Table-Mate II. In the past three or four weeks, it's changed my life. Seriously. Changed my life. I now have a well-equipped nursing station where I can eat, text, type one-handed on my laptop, etc. without spilling, dropping, bumping, knocking over....you get the idea.

The Table-Mate II. Gotta get one!

7. A homeopathic cure for mastitis

I've had three glorious bouts with mastitis which, as I've mentioned in a previous post, is like the flu on crack.

Not fun.
At all.

Thankfully I've been able to kick all three infections without antibiotics. Eddie and I researched cures for mastitis until we were blue in the face, then I put our research to the test, and God has graciously allowed healing within a couple days' time, each time.

I'm NOT giving medical advice (perish the thought!), but here's what I've found works wonders for me:

Nurse, nurse, nurse! Everyone says this, and they're right. Continue nursing on both breasts (or at least pump the unaffected one), to avoid a lopsided chest or messed up milk supply.
Down raw garlic cloves--diced up and swallowed with water. (Yummy.) On the first day I take three cloves; the day after, two. I found one source that said garlic in breast milk would disgust baby and ruin his appetite, but other sources say baby will like the taste and eat better, which Jeremy definitely did! He's nursed so well during each of my infections.
Take lots of echinacea (I used extract for potency) and vitamin C in addition to my prenatals.
DRINK A LOT OF WATER.
Rest. As much as possible. (I laughed when other women told me to rest. Yeah, right. I'd be happy to get three uninterrupted hours of sleep! But truly--I've had to let the laundry go, the dishes pile up, etc. when I'm fighting an infection.)
Keep hands, boobs, bras, and nursing pads clean/disinfected. If it's a bacteria and not a clogged duct, I have to ruthlessly kill it!
Take probiotics (which I do every day anyway--but they're so helpful combined with all the above).

So there you have it. I think I started this blog three weeks ago, but I'm determined to post it tonight before I go to sleep. Not that it's all that important or lifesaving, but hopefully it will feel like it to other new mommies-in-transition. =)

Anxiety, Depression and Meditation

2011-12-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

As someone who has struggled with bouts of deep depression over the past 16 years, I appreciate so much when the Lord brings along helpful resources, encouragement, and insight for how to journey through those darker seasons. More than anything else, the Word of God has pulled me through those times--but other "tools" have also helped (like exercise, a healthy diet, creative outlets, natural supplements, sharing with others, etc.).

Last winter I heard J.P. Moreland talk about his own personal struggle with depression, the chemistry of the brain, and the effects of a grateful heart on a depressed spirit--and I went looking for more of his research. Below is an excellent article on the subject. Granted, some of his approach may make you a bit uncomfortable initially, but hear his heart and read with an open mind: perhaps even just a bit of what he shares could help you if you're given to depression as well.

(Originally posted at
http://www.scriptoriumdaily.com/2007/04/19/anxiety-depression-and-meditation-i/.)

ANXIETY, DEPRESSION AND MEDITATION
by J.P. Moreland

I once heard a Christian psychologist say that we were made to live in a camel culture: slow-paced, relational and no electric lights to keep people up beyond sundown and deprive them of the eight and one half hours of sleep they need each night. But ours is no camel culture. We live in a rapid-paced, highly stressful society. We are constantly surrounded with noise, cell-phones, Ipods, television and, well, you get the picture. As a result, anxiety and depression are epidemic in America, especially among highly committed, achievement-oriented people.

Several years ago I fell into a seven-month period of severe depression peppered with anxiety attacks. There were several things that helped me pull through it: exercise, medication, Christian therapy, worship music. But in this and the next article, I want to share with you a form of deep meditation from the heart that has been invaluable in my bouts with anxiety and depression.

The sort of meditation I have in mind weaves together three strands, two biblical and one scientific. Besides meditating on specific biblical texts, there are two Scriptural strands of meditation sometimes overlooked. As the first Scriptural strand, we are also admonished to meditate on general abstract themes in Scripture, for example, on agape love, on justice, on hope, and so forth. Thus, Paul wisely urges that "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is attractive, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things" (Philippians 4:8). Certainly we would want to remember and meditate on God's wonderful acts towards us and those for whom we care. Remembering times we received or gave of ourselves in love or extended forgiveness, times when the presence of God was especially precious, and answers to prayer (a topic we'll return to later), these are also proper objects for meditation.

Additionally, along these lines, we could also meditate on anything that is edifying and encourages you towards a life of Christian maturity and gratitude towards God, whether grand or small. And God’s creation is a vast repository of objects to ponder and offer thanks to God, such as attending to the sound of rain, or to ducks swimming in a pond, or even to the wonderful tastes of what we eat. When you’re anxious and depressed, the so-called grand things of life may be too difficult to hold one’s attention. But anyone can start by being thankful for the taste of one's morning coffee or a glass of orange juice. How wonderful of God to create a world with such gratuitous pleasures!

A second important, Scriptural strand involves the nature and role of the heart in a life of peace, hope and joy. The term "heart" has many uses in Scripture, but its basic meaning refers to the deepest core of the person. The heart is the fundamental, sometimes hidden fountain at the deepest recesses and absolute center of a person from which spring one's more real feelings, one's most authentic thoughts, one's actual values and take on life. In this sense, it is obvious that the heart is the deepest aspect of one's soul, one's inner self, and it is not to be equated with the organ that pumps blood.

However, many theologians since Augustine have taken the soul to be fully present throughout the body. On this view, one's various body parts can actually contain, be associated with sinful or holy tendencies to act, think and feel in certain ways since the soul is literally diffused throughout those parts. In my view, it is no accident that the term "heart" is used to represent one's deepest core, for the physical heart area, what C. S. Lewis called "the chest" is the “location” we actually experience our deepest values, feelings, attitudes and ways of seeing the world. In some mysterious way, then, the physical heart area is to be the center of meditation if it is to flow from and impact our deepest core, our metaphorical “heart.” And when one is experiencing anxiety/depression, one needs to get to the core of what is going on.

A third, scientific strand of thought derived from recent discoveries may shed light on biblical teaching about the core of a person and it's relationship to the heart organ. Neuroscientists have discovered that the heart has its own independent nervous system referred to as "the brain in the heart." In a real sense the heart "thinks for itself." Some forty thousand neurons are in the heart, which is as many as are found in a number of important sub-regions of the brain.

The heart sends signals to different parts of the brain including the amygdala. The amygdala specializes in strong emotional memories and is what the soul uses to process information for its emotional significance. By influencing the amygdala and other regions of the brain, scientists believe that "our heartbeats are not just the mechanical throbs of a diligent pump, but an intelligent language that significantly influences how we perceive and react to the world." Some scientists talk about "heart intelligence," an intelligent flow of awareness and insight, an intuitive source of wisdom and clear perception that embraces both mental and emotional intelligence.

In biblical terms, the soul is the person, but the soul has two faculties of intellectual cognition and intuitive perception, and each is associated with a different body part, the brain and the heart, respectively. Thus, the brain and the heart work together to shape our thoughts, emotions, moods and attitudes. Given that a person is just one self not two–with one soul, it is obvious that the “I,” the soul, uses both the mind (associated with the brain) and the deepest intuitive core (associated with the heart organ) to think, see and feel about the world.

In light of this, I marvel at the incredible accuracy of Saint Paul's statement "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7, emphasis added). Note carefully that the context is one of feeling anxiety. Given this context, we learn that both the heart and mind areas of the body (the heart organ and the brain) are to be involved cooperatively in opening up to God and dispelling anxiety.

Why is this important? Because when one is fighting anxiety and depression, one often has a racing mind that obsesses on an anxiety-producing thought over and over in an attempt to battle the thought and defend oneself against it. The problem is that if one tries to battle obsessive-thoughts in one's mind, it literally creates a grove in the brain that gets deeper and deeper the more one entertains the anxious thought. After time, one literally loses oneâ€™s freedom to get away from the thought. It simply takes over and has a life of its own. You can taking your morning shower and still half asleep when, as if out of nowhere, the anxious thought starts running through your mind over and over again. What does one do in this case? The key is to stop battling the obsessive thought in you mind, and start working on it with the heart. In part II, I will offer a strategy for how to meditate in the heart so as to take the power out of anxious thoughts.

-------------------------

In part I, we saw that there is a biblically and scientifically important distinction between discursive thought (associated with the brain) and emotional intuitive awareness (associated with the heart). We also saw that a major cause of anxiety and depression is obsessive thinking about an anxiety-producing thought. Such obsessive thinking digs a deeper and deeper grove in the brain, which all but makes it impossible to stop such obsessive behavior and start on a road to recovery from anxiety and depression. But by sifting to a biblically and scientifically warranted form of meditation in the heart, one can find the sort of relief one needs.

With this in mind (and, hopefully in your heart!), I want to offer a practical technique for meditatively handling anxiety and depression, first presented by stress researcher Doc Childre, and here adopted to take into account biblical teaching on the two strands mentioned earlier in the chapter and our own practice of this form of mediation.

Note again, that when one is anxious or depressed, one tends to obsess, to think over and over again about certain fearful/hurtful thoughts. We do this to try to anticipate a bad or worst case scenario and to reassure ourselves that we are safe, that we can handle it. We also relive traumatic events and their associated emotions, we replay our depressive, anxious fears and thoughts and their associated emotions. Sometimes we do this for a thought/emotion that we can handle. We can't face all of our fears and worries, so we project all of them onto one or two issues that are "safer" for us to dwell on.

In the early stages of my own depression, while I had suffered a number of different stressors in ten months, I began to think over and over again about two of them. This let me set aside the remaining stressors and try to manage my anxiety with a more limited, â€œcontrollableâ€ focus. The problem with this strategy is that one gets into a rut that becomes increasingly hard to escape. Indeed, studies have shown that obsessive thought/emotional patterns and behaviors literally create a neural pathway, a groove in the brain, that becomes habitual and contributes to a situation in which a person is literally stuck on a pattern, stuck in a rut.
Among other things, this means that trying to battle anxiety and depression in the head by obsessively worrying is a losing battle. After a while, if one tries to keep from repetitively entertaining the worry, one has to exert considerable energy inward to suppress the worry and this can deplete the brain of needed chemicals and lead to depression.

Four Meditative Steps to Attend to Our Heart

Rather than battle anxiety and depression in the head, we recommend a four-step meditative strategy to deal with it in the heart. This strategy is a life-enhancing form of meditation all through life with or without anxiety/depression, but it is especially useful to form it as a habit during a season of mental suffering.

Step 1: When obsessing on an anxious thought or stressful feeling, freeze-frame it. Take a time out. If you have an anxious thought or stressful feeling right now, recognize it, and bring it before your mind. Suppose it is the fear of financial ruin. As this thought and its associated emotion run over and over again in your awareness, freeze it, that is, stop your mental engine from running over and over again, and like stopping a film projector, stop in mid-thought and freeze it. Step one helps a person to obey the biblical injunction to cease striving and stop fretting (see Psalm 46:10, Phil 4:6).

Step 2: With all your might, shift your focus away from your racing mind or troublesome emotions and focus the center of your attention on your physical heart muscle. Attend to the center of your chest where your heart is and stay there for about 10-15 seconds. The goal is to feel the area around your heart. There are two ways to help you in this. First, pretend you are breathing in and out of your heart muscle.

Second, try to “feel” and attend to the front surface of your physical heart, then the back surface, followed by the right then the left side of your heart. When first learning to practice this meditative activity and form it as a habit, you should take as long as necessary to focus on the heart area. At this point you may feel little emotion there or you may get in touch with a feeling of embarrassment, fear, grief, sadness, loneliness, helplessness, hurt or some other anxiety producer. Step 2 is an aid in internalizing Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Rather than mulling things over and over again in your mind and trying to solve your worries in the head, turn to the core of your inner life, your heart, and learn to trust God there. Step 2 is a way to practice not leaning on your own understanding. Step three is a way of learning to trust God in the heart.

Step 3: Using the acrostic CFAN, recall a memory emotion associated with the relevant memory and let that emotion dwell and dominate the heart area. With your attention on your physical heart area, you want to bring a new positive emotion, a healthy intuitive awareness to dwell there and replace the feelings already there from the worrisome thought you have frozen. To do this, you want to meditate on something positive in order to recall a memory emotion that is positive. CFAN stands for Compassion, Forgiveness, Appreciation and Non-judgmentalism. You want to recall a specific occasion that you can picture in which you either gave or received compassion/love, forgiveness/removal of guilt feelings, appreciation/joy, being non-judgmental/accepting.

The important thing is not to do all four of these, but to pick one of these that is most effective for you and constantly return there. For example, recall a time when you gave real love to God, a friend or family member or received the feeling of love from God or someone important to you. Recall a time when your gave appreciation to someone; a special time of worship when your really felt God was there or a time when you gave heartfelt praise and adoration to someone; or a time when you drank in appreciation from the taste of coffee to a spectacular answer to prayer or an endearing biblical truth. And so on. The goal here is not simply to recall the relevant incident, but more importantly, to have the associated emotion fill and remain in your heart area.

Step 4: While holding this emotion in your physical heart area, return to the anxious thought and melt it piece by piece into the heart area and, with full sincerity, ask your heart, "Next time, what would be a less stressful, less anxious, more effective response to this thought and the situation to which it refers?" Listen to the heart area for an answer. The goal of step 4 is to so trust in the Lord with your whole heart, that you form the habit of responding there to a worry with compassion, forgiveness, appreciation and a non-judgmental attitude towards yourself or others.

By breaking the worrisome thing down into pieces and melting it into the heart, we mean this. Take the thought, for example, that I am going to be ruined financially, break it down to its parts (my children will be embarrassed at school by their clothes, I will be out of a job, my family will look down on me), and by taking that part to the heart area, you allow the anxious thought (I will be out of a job) to be overwhelmed by and newly associated with a positive emotion and not negative ones. If done at various times each day, a habit will be formed that will allow you to come to set the thought aside and not be stuck on it. In the process of setting the thought aside, it will allow you to be able to entertain it without being overwhelmed by negative emotions. You can literally learn to have the thought while feeling, say, joy and compassion.

Now, while your heart is not a second person from you, we all talk to ourselves throughout the day. Indeed, our self-talk is an important aspect of a healthy or dysfunctional Christian life. So as a part of step 4, you want to ask your physical heart area (literally address the area of emotion surrounding the heart) about a better way to respond, and look for a mild intuitive insight that comes from the heart area. Generally, the insight will not shout at you; it will be a soft, mild thought or feeling that can be easily overlooked if you are not attending to the heart area.

By repeating this four-step form of meditation, you can train yourself to lead a more mature, stable Christian life and you can learn to set aside anxiety/depression.

Cranberry Sauce with Agave

2011-11-29T21:11:00.000-08:00

My husband is my biggest health advocate and never tires of tracking down tasty substitutes for my gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free self. The holidays present a unique challenge for eaters like me. I mean, how do you recreate pumpkin pie without condensed milk and flour; stuffing without bread; or cranberry sauce without gobs of sugar?!

Leave it to my man--he tracked down an irresistible cranberry sauce that not only impressed me, but also had the "normal eaters" in my family raving. Thanks to Amy's Food Room for this keeper!

Cranberry Sauce with Agave
makes 2 cups

1 12 ounce bag fresh, whole cranberries
2/3 cup agave nectar
1/3 cup orange juice
1 cinnamon stick (2 - 3 inches)
6 black peppercorns
4 whole cloves
3 whole allspice

1. Rinse cranberries and put in medium saucepan. Add agave nectar, orange juice, and cinnamon stick.

2. Place peppercorns, cloves and allspice in a small square of cheesecloth, bundle it up and tie securely with kitchen twine. Trim excess cheesecloth and add bundle to pan of cranberries.

3. Bring cranberry mixture to a boil, reduce heat to a low simmer and cook, stirring often for 15-20 minutes, until cranberries have broken down and mixture is syrupy.

4. Remove and discard cinnamon stick and peppercorn bag. Store cranberry sauce in refrigerator until ready to serve.

Pumpkin Pie without gluten, sugar, and condensed milk

2011-11-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight. And it's not due to my cute little drooly-faced alarm.

Tomorrow night is the Sixth Annual Pumpkin-Pie-Making Fest, attended by the Langley siblings, our better halves, and our kiddos.

Seems like every year I add something to, and subtract something from, the event.

In 2009, Eddie joined us for the first time. We'd been dating for just over a month, and I think if a man can weather Pie Night, he's in. He did and he was. In 2010, we came as a newly married couple, giddy about pie and cold weather and our first holidays together. This year, we bring our little man. He won't appreciate the pie, but who cares about pie when you have cousins like Aaron and Kylie?

To be fair, I also subtracted something from the event each year. In 2009, I had to cut dairy. In 2010, gluten got the boot. And this year, processed sugar is out. Oh, the food allergies. My sister-in-law Heather is so thoughtful, she decided to complicate her health too and join me in the Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Sugar-free fun this year. Seriously, how do you do traditional holiday dishes without wheat flour, butter, cream, and sugar?!

So the search began for a pie worthy of our new limitations and old cravings. Here's the recipe we'll be trying tonight.

http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com/2008/10/vegan-pumpkin-pie-worthy-of.html

Pumpkin Pie Night 2011

AFTER PIE NIGHT....

Okay, I'm sure it was my modifications to the recipe above, but it was truly gross. The hunt continued until I tried the recipe below a few days later. It is absolutely amazing, and if you don't tell them, no one will know the difference!

Okay, confession: because my first recipe failed miserably, and I didn't find this stellar recipe till the day before Thanksgiving, I actually ran to my health food store and bought an overpriced frozen gluten-free pie crust. If you have a fabulous GF pie crust recipe, I would be forever indebted to you if you emailed it to me! (BecomingChao@gmail.com)

Pumpkin Pie Filling

3/4 cup ground jaggery or unrefined coconut sugar (I used maple syrup flakes)
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 1/2 cups roasted pumpkin puree (I used Trader Joe's organic canned pumpkin)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 large eggs, beaten
1 cup light coconut milk (I opted for the fat-filled stuff, and I think that was the secret to a very rich pie!)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
In a large bowl, mix together jaggery, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, nutmeg, salt and cornstarch. Stir in pumpkin puree, vanilla, eggs and coconut milk, and mix until well combined.
Pour filling into pie crust.
Bake for about 50 minutes or until filling is firm and set.

A deep disparity (worth celebrating)

2011-11-22T12:42:00.000-08:00

What is it about Christmastime that makes everything feel more magical, romantic, emotional… acute?

I remember well the bit of bitterness mixed in with the beauty of this season during my single years. Maybe bitterness is too strong a word—it was more like my aloneness was magnified, my longing for marriage intensified. Year after year… it was hard. Family events with everyone coupled up except me; the chilly weather and hot drinks and scarfs and smoking chimneys; nostalgic Christmas music crooning constantly in the background. In the midst of my enchantment with Christmas, I always had to fight harder for contentment and hope through the holiday weeks.

I also think of those who have lost loved ones during the holidays. Or have broken off a serious relationship. Or have suffered serious illness. It all seems more severe somehow, doesn’t it?

Perhaps it’s because the holidays, especially Christmas, symbolize hope and well-being and give us a taste of the eternal. We feel the deep disparity between the world we were made for, and the world we live in now. Our hearts long for completion and perfect, unadulterated happiness. We cherish the idea of a magical invisible Santa Claus delivering wish-list gifts, of family gathered together around a sumptuous feast, and of warm sweaters and hot drinks sipped to the sound of Bing Crosby’s voice. We desire peace. We crave lasting joy.

Maybe this disparity is what brings us back to the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe the heartache or loss or simply the brokenness of the world around us—maybe those things teach us how to give thanks for all the good things we do have. And perhaps that longing within us for something more, that discontentment that follows the feast and gift-opening—perhaps that’s what reminds us of how great a gift God gave us in sending his Son to us. To live with us. To die for us.

So that inspires me: Would you be willing to participate in a little holiday blog cheer? I invite you to shoot me a quick email (BecomingChao@gmail.com) and share how you've seen God at work in your life this past year. It can be as short as one sentence (“The Lord provided groceries and rent money when I lost my job”) or a paragraph or two. Include your name, city/state, and a picture if you can, and I’ll compile and post your responses sometime in December. Like stringing lights, we'll string together one "thanks" after another. How encouraging would that be?!

Here’s to the disparity that gives us thankful hearts and lasting joy…

Colleen

Where did four months go?

2011-11-17T13:43:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday, to our little man! We can't imagine life without you....

6 pounds, 2 ounces and 19 inches long

17 pounds, 2 ounces and 25 inches long

What I prayed today....

2011-11-15T16:52:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, after a string of sleep-cheated nights, I find myself fighting hard against my flesh--the part of me that would enjoy indulging in exhaustion-induced grumpiness.

This morning was one of those times. After a second bout with mastitis this past weekend (it's like the flu on crack for breastfeeding moms) and very little sleep this past week (after Jeremy had been sleeping so well), I found myself just a wee bit grumpy.

As "grumpy" isn't found in the Bible, I defaulted to a word search on "weary." I love what I found and I began praying through the Scriptures. My heart and mind were so encouraged!

Whatever your weariness may be, I hope these Scriptures and prayers will encourage and strengthen you too....

And the king, and all the people who were with him, arrived weary at the Jordan. And there [King David] refreshed himself. 2 Samuel 16:14

Lord, teach me the wisdom and art of refreshing myself. Help me to be vigilant and creative in finding ways to do this as a new mommy. Help me not resent the need for a nap, for a small creative outlet, or a quick walk in the park. Help me to find ways of refreshing myself in Your Word—even if it’s just a small word here and there.

He rose and struck down the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clung to the sword. And the LORD brought about a great victory that day, and the men returned after him only to strip the slain. 2 Samuel 23:10

O Lord, I know great works are exhausting, but train me to “cling to the sword” of Your Spirit even when my “hand is weary.”

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,  and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary,  and young men shall fall exhausted;  but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;  they shall mount up with wings like eagles;  they shall run and not be weary;  they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:27-31

Dear Abba, thank you that you never grow weary—and that you strengthen me by your tireless, infinitely powerful Spirit as I wait on you. Thank you that in time I will be renewed!

The Lord GOD has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary. Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught. Isaiah 50:4

Lord, give me ears to hear you when I first wake in the morning, even if I’m exhausted and grumpy. Wake me with a word that sustains me…

Everyone deceives his neighbor, and no one speaks the truth; they have taught their tongue to speak lies; they weary themselves committing iniquity. Jeremiah 9:5

Dear Savior, if there is any sin that is contributing to my weariness, show it to me, and give me grace to hate it, leave it, and love you more.

For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish. Jeremiah 31:25

Thank you that you are my Satisfier and Replenesher. Thank you that my weariness makes me need you.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. 2 Thessalonians 3:13

Lord, when I grow myopic in my perspective, help me look up and see the big picture once again—a harvest to reap after this sowing. Cause me to be patient and vigilant, with a spirit that does not give up but presses on!

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. Hebrews 12:3

Lord, I’ve not suffered anything compared to so many people throughout history and around the world today. But more than anyone, YOU suffered beyond compare. Let me think on this, ponder it, remember it when I get tunnel vision or feel overwhelmed by these small challenges as a mother. Help me put these little things into perspective so I won’t grow weary or fainthearted.

I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name’s sake, and you have not grown weary. Revelation 2:3

Oh for you to say this of me, dear Father!

"Surrender is better"

2011-11-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

Lisa Hamel is wife to Michael, mother of two young boys, and singer extraordinaire. She has a background in marriage-and-family counseling, and she teaches music out of her home. But the greatest thing I could tell you about Lis is that she is a tenacious lover of Christ. To count her a best friend makes me one blessed woman. I recently asked Lis if she would write about motherhood, something I could post here to encourage other mommies. Like always, her words cut to the very marrow of my heart and brought me to tearful worship....

Though I’ve tried countless times, I simply cannot write a short blog on motherhood. I blog about once a year. That's all the Lord seems to give me. Maybe it's because my lessons learned are long and slow in the process. So when asked to describe what I’ve learned in motherhood, I feel like it's been so complicated that few would want to hear it. But if you’re game, you can hear the “long story.”

I had other plans for my life at 19 and 20. I mean, everyone else told me I was going to be a singer and I (not having a strong sense of self, coupled with a huge propensity for people pleasing) went with it. I loved singing and loved giving praise to God—that’s all it felt like to me at the time. But time and the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I also loved attention and succeeding at something.

Though I didn’t understand it fully at the time, I went through chemical depression at 19. I had paranoia; I was in a distant country with dark spiritual forces at work. I spent the next 3 months of ministry in a state of intense fear and sorrow. I figured out how to cope with this new “normal” by just going numb, wondering if I would ever “feel” close to God again. God allowed 17 years, 2 children and a series of tragedies to bring me back to a stronger version of that young girl. Throughout the years I fought the idea of being a mom. I even overheard people say I probably wouldn't be a good mother. I thought I just didn't have "the mother gene." I loved my husband. I loved traveling. And although the recording industry hadn't worked out for me, I didn't like the idea of having so many things out of my control as a mom.

Finally I acted out of obedience to a leap of faith that I believe God was calling me to. The Lord gave me a sense that my experience with my first child would be difficult. And THAT was a grace.

Caius' name means rejoice. He is the most intense, excitable little man who drinks in the Word of God with a voracious appetite. It reminds me of me before my depression. Caius has SPD—sensory processing disorder. He senses everything far more intensely than normal, so life is quite a ride. He wasn’t diagnosed until 4 ½, so we spent a lot of his first years being annoyed and frustrated with his inability to cope. We didn't understand. All the parenting books just didn't work. We wanted time as a husband and wife. We wanted time as a family with his younger brother that wasn't constantly filled with conflict. We wanted our "idolized" view of family and life. I wanted peace and quiet to write music. We wanted more than 2 hours of sleep strung together.

Once we had a diagnosis and were educated about SPD, Mike and I went through a grieving process. We realized that our son had been trying to please us. He'd been trying to rejoice as his namesake says—and simply couldn't succeed without help and time. He couldn't live up to our standards.

And in this God began to open my eyes. To begin His healing work in my life. For I realized that my son’s inability to live up to my standards was exactly how I had seen God for so long. This is how unable I am to live up to God's standards. How I miss the mark. I am sick. I am born with a condition that I cannot escape. And seeing God as this frustrated Father that I just couldn't please, this was one of the catalysts for my depression those many years ago.

This analogy pressed hard upon us as we came to a deeper, richer place of acceptance of what we can and cannot fix for our son. Of what we could and could not change about our reality. And here's the beautiful thing, God allowed this struggle (which our son can “grow out” of) and other tragedies in these years to free us. To reveal deeper issues emotionally and even physically which would have remained buried for decades had He not lovingly "stirred the pot." We can see His goodness in giving us this struggle.

You see, motherhood has brought me back to myself. I was drifting into shallow waters and I was so afraid that becoming a mom would make me lose myself (in the bad kind of way). But God knew that I was already a watered down version of myself. I am emerging from the dust of these last 6 years refined and redefined. I am now a culmination of who I was before depression 17 years ago. And only my Abba can make a 36-year-old woman stronger yet weaker, wiser yet more teachable, older yet younger, responsible yet free-spirited, and a big-hearted yet light-hearted woman. I didn't think those things could coexist. Then again I didn't think sorrow and joy could coexist together either.

And this is motherhood.

Oh friend, fellow mama: If I could just look you straight in the eye and speak these words to you. That your story is long and God is never absent from it. He is weaving. Always weaving. He is patient. He is intentional. He never wastes a talent. He may be jealous for them. And if not one other person appreciates them, "waste" them on Jesus. Pour them out like an expensive perfume (John 12:3). You are His and you have nothing to prove. He never wastes a tear. He counts them all and keeps them (Psalm 56:8). And you CAN have joy no matter what is happening in your life or your loved ones' lives.

Imagine your soul is a room. The only 2 that can enter are you and God/Jesus. If you are socially dependent like me, you may have spent years trying to drag in other people's problems, choices, heartaches, and opinions of you. Maybe even their very persons (like your child) into your own soul. But you can't. They have their own. And you waste such intimacy with the Lover of your soul if you are trying to bring all the stuff and people outside...inside.

It's just you and God in there. All the other stuff should bounce off the walls of that room. He is enough. He is good. So good. And the more you risk trust in Him the more He will come through.

I decided somewhere along this motherhood journey that to surrender is better than to live with guarantees. I can "white knuckle" my way through motherhood and try to control as much as possible—thinking that will guarantee safe, godly children. Or I can invite a deeper surrender; and I bet my life, when difficulties come, the eyes fixed on Jesus—safe in that room where there is no one else. No children. No husband. No career accolades. No talents or false sense of self—those eyes will see His glory. That woman will see with an eternal perspective. And she will, as my son’s name reminds me daily, rejoice.

Interrupted. (A Glorious Work)

2011-11-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

These days I write a lot with my thoughts, not my fingers. Even as I type this, a little squirm-bug kicks my arms and grabs and drools and stares at me as if to say, "How come you're not giving me your full attention?"

It's sweeter and harder than I could have imagined. In the back of my mind I guess I assumed that all of my experiences with the labor, deliveries, and infancy of my youngest siblings (born when I was 17, 19, and 22 years old) would have granted me some inside scoop on this motherhood thing. But nothing prepares you for the full responsibility, the emotional weight of it all, does it?

I think the mere fact that I love mothering so much, that I adore Jeremy with all my heart, that I want to give him my very best—it intensifies this whole experience. Perhaps if less was at stake, less would be felt.

It's interesting: I'm revisiting old sins in fresh ways. It’s nothing new that I'm often tempted to anxiety and the "fear of man," but these temptations have taken on new shapes. When the lady seated next to us at the restaurant last Saturday asked for a different table simply because she spotted the stroller (Jeremy was sleeping like an angel, mind you), I took it personally. I wanted to chase her down and say, "Listen, lady, if he fusses, we're quick to take him outside. Chill out." I wanted so badly to prove to her that we're not "one of those" parents.

Why does her opinion bother me so? Why do I need to prove anything to a random woman?

I also have the special capacity to imagine a hundred horrid things that could happen to my sweet babe in the course of a day. Didn't I write a blog about What Ifs a year ago? New seasons of life and places and circumstances don't change who we are at the core. Only our strong Savior can do that, can change me from being a people-pleaser and worry-wart. I'm learning to "take every thought captive" all over again, now as a mommy.

As I've mentioned before, my life has sweetly narrowed. We had dear friends over for dinner Saturday night (Mr. and Mrs. Hollis!) and as the evening progressed, I had little else to talk of but baby...baby...baby. My once multifaceted and colorful, creative life has—for a season—become very focused and predictable, perhaps you could even call it mundane. That's not a bad thing; it's a worthwhile (and thus very good) thing, but it's a jarring transition nonetheless. It's been shocking to discover how difficult it is to make time for a shower or to finish a task from start to finish without seventeen interruptions—but those interruptions are the great work to which I am called.

That's what I need to remember. This blog will inevitably take me several days or weeks to finish and post. I've already managed to punctuate it with two feedings, a baby bath, two diaper changes, a change of clothes for me (due to poop and spit-up), a good cry, three loads of laundry, and so on. In the end, though, this blog isn't the important thing—those "interruptions," now those were the significant activity of the evening.

And the joys of motherhood? Well, they are too many to recount here. This little man looks up at his daddy and me as if his very life is found in our eyes, in our touch. Jeremy makes me laugh a dozen times each day, he entertains me with his facial expressions, he melts me when he cuddles close and chatters. Jeremy loves his daddy, who happens to be the best dad around, and the joy it brings me watching the two of them together is unspeakable. Then there is singing to baby, and watching him develop new skills (a few weeks ago it was suddenly chattering his head off; this week it's trying to grab toys), and seeing him comforted and quieted as he nurses. There’s the fulfillment of doing what I feel I was made to do. There’s the unparalleled delight of nurturing a little life. And there is the beauty of not only parenting with Eddie, but also receiving his love and care for me in amazing new ways.

A new way I prayed for myself today was that the Lord would lessen the intensity of my feelings and emotions in all of this. Teach me how to cast my intensity upon You and allow You to direct my feelings and energies. I want to learn how to rest, to keep a quiet heart in the midst of the fierce demands upon me. No, I can’t just walk away and take a break from motherhood (nor would I want to), but I can learn how to “be still and know that He is God” smack-dab in the middle of it.

I’m nervous about posting this and having someone think I don’t love motherhood with all my heart. I do. Oh, how much I do! But a great work should be costly, shouldn’t it? It should stretch us and press upon us and force us to need Christ. It should bring us to the end of ourselves. Praise the Lord, this is one of those great works!

I wouldn’t change a thing, I wouldn’t reverse one step in this journey. I am so thankful for what I’m learning, for the gospel work of discipling this little guy with my wonderful husband, and for what God is doing in my heart as a result.

P.S. – Thanks, Babe, for the gift of uninterrupted time so I could finish and post this. :)

P.P.S. - You moms of two, three, or more kids must be chuckling to yourself, "Oh, the days of just one baby!" And with awe I ask--how ever do you do it?! :)

This longing fulfilled

2011-10-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

I've written, tweaked, and posted a few articles in the past month, waxing eloquent about the learning curves of new motherhood. And then I've re-tweaked them, deleted them, removed them from my blog.

Because really, in the end, all these transitions and challenges of a new season of life pale in comparison to the joy of this longing fulfilled. I truly, deeply love being a mommy.

I love what I'm learning. I love that motherhood is important enough to require daily surrender and sacrifice. I love that Eddie is the most amazing father and cares so selflessly not just for Jeremy, but also for me. He anticipates my needs (and even weaknesses) and rushes to meet them. Wow.

I love that my exhaustion can be forgotten in an instant when Jeremy giggles or babbles. I love that I get to pray over my little man and pray with my hunk of a man multiple times each day. I love that my shortcomings as a mom drive me to Christ. I love that our endless loads of laundry are filled with little man clothes (and little man socks that are impossible to find post-dryer).

I love taking Jeremy on walks. I love singing him to sleep. I love it when other people love him.

I love that my life has "narrowed" in order to do this new kingdom work. I love how I'm learning to spiritually "eat on the run," to meditate on one truth or one verse while I change a dirty diaper or rock my crying baby.

I love that God empowers me to do this impossible task called motherhood. I love that I am inadequate but Christ is more than sufficient and in the end will get the glory for anything good that comes of my mothering.

I love that I prayed and ached for motherhood for many, many years--and that God had me wait for his perfect timing and provision. He is so wise. So faithful. So kind.

I am often overwhelmed--not just with the feat of motherhood before me, but more so with the joy of this high calling and gratitude for God granting me such a gift.

Photography by Lorelei Conover

"Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness,
   you who seek the LORD:
look to the rock from which you were hewn,
   and to the quarry from which you were dug.
Look to Abraham your father
   and to Sarah who bore you;
for he was but one when I called him,
   that I might bless him and multiply him.
For the LORD comforts Zion;
   he comforts all her waste places
and makes her wilderness like Eden,
   her desert like the garden of the LORD;
joy and gladness will be found in her,
   thanksgiving and the voice of song."

Isaiah 51:1-3

Jeremy's very fun and spontaneous three-month photo shoot!

2011-10-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

So while I've had a month-long bout of creative constipation (myriad ideas for a new blog are backlogged in my brain with no time nor energy to execute), thankfully I'm surrounded by extremely creative friends--like Karen Race!

Karen visited from D.C. last week and blessed us with this spontaneous photo shoot. And as it so happens that my future sister-in-law lives next door to us, and Jonathan happened to be walking to her apartment while we were "candidly posing" out on the lawn, we threw everyone into the mix for the photo fun.

Chicken with peppers and pumpkin soup

2011-10-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

We've been celebrating the long-awaited cooling off of SoCal with yummy soups all week! Sunday night was Split Peas and Pork Chops, Monday night Cauliflower and Cashew bisque, and last night Chicken with Peppers and Pumpkin soup. As you know, second-day soup is even better than the first, so I've welcomed leftovers for lunch. Soups are generally easier on our budget, easy albeit time-consuming to make (all that chopping, stirring, and timing), and always a cozy reminder that fall—well, our somewhat anticlimactic version of fall anyway—is finally here!

Off goes the AC and on goes the gas stovetop...

INGREDIENTS

2 (about 14 ounce) Red Bell Peppers

2 (about 1 ounce) Jalapeño Peppers*

2 tablespoon(s) Olive Oil

1 1/2 pound(s) Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts, diced

3 Leeks, white and light-green parts only*

1 (about 2 pounds) Pumpkin, peeled, seeded, cut into 1-inch chunks**

3 tablespoon(s) All-Purpose Flour

2 teaspoon(s) Ground Cumin

1 teaspoon(s) Chili Powder*

1 teaspoon(s) Salt

1/2 teaspoon(s) Fresh Ground Pepper

1 ear(s) (1 cup) Corn, Kernels Removed

3 can(s) (14 1/2 ounces each) Low-Sodium Chicken Broth

1 tablespoon(s) Fresh Oregano Leaves

1/2 cup(s) Sour Cream (Optional. I used my dairy-free substitute sour cream.)

*I cut down the spice and used only 1 jalapeno, 3/4 tsp of chili powder, and 1 leek.

**I had some purple yams from Taiwan that my mother-in-law gave me, so I used those instead.

DIRECTIONS

Roast the peppers: Preheat oven to broil. Place the red peppers and jalapeños on a baking sheet and cook under the broiler, turning occasionally, until the skins blacken, about 10 minutes. Seal the charred peppers in a plastic bag for 10 to 12 minutes. Peel, stem, seed, and cut peppers into 1/2-inch pieces. Set aside.

Make the soup: Heat the olive oil in a large Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the chicken pieces and cook until browned. Remove the chicken and keep warm. Add the leeks and pumpkin and sauté for about 5 minutes. Add the flour, cumin, chili powder, salt, and pepper and cook for 1 to 2 minutes. Add the corn, peppers, chicken, broth, and oregano and bring the soup to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, about 30 minutes. Garnish with sour cream if desired and serve hot.

Posted on CountryLiving.com.

Dietrich can disturb me sometimes (and that's good)

2011-10-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are familiar with Bonhoeffer's life (among other things, killed for his faith during Hitler's reign), this quote is especially poignant.

"To speak of God's love for the world (John 3:16) causes no small amount of difficulty today for those who don't want to be stuck with formulas. Indeed, it is clear enough that God's love for the world does not consist in his putting an end to wars and taking away from us poverty, misery, persecution, and catastrophes of all kinds. But this is the very place where we usually seek God's love, and we don't find it. Nonetheless, as difficult as it is for us, and as deeply as it disturbs us that God's love is so hidden from the world, we can be especially thankful, particularly in such times, that we no longer need to look for God's love where it is not to be found, and that it has become all the clearer where alone we will find it: in Jesus Christ. God's love for us is to be found in Christ alone. If God loved the world, the whole fallen creation, then he gave us no preference over others. He loved my worst enemy no less than he loved me. Jesus Christ died for his and our enemies." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

From my mom...

2011-10-03T17:03:00.000-07:00

I want to share a blog post that begs a little context and a brief history before you read it.

My mom lost her mother one year ago in September, just weeks after I married Eddie. During this same time, my parents were facing some daunting circumstances at their beloved church of 25 years. And while they begged God to spare the church and ministry and fellowship they so dearly loved, He had other plans--and in February the church closed and my parents found themselves without a church home, without jobs, and far from retirement. Around the same time, my dad lost his father. That grief came in between Eddie and I announcing our pregnancy and Jonathan and Shawna announcing their engagement. A couple of months later, we all celebrated Katy's graduation from high school. Jeremy arrived the month after, and then most recently, my parents ended a 23-year run of homeschooling and enrolled my youngest brothers in a private school.

And that's the very short, very edited version.

If you want a recipe for depression or hopelessness or lost faith, this past year of my parents' lives would suffice. Mixed in with the heartache, there have been joys to juggle, transitions, much change. But in the midst of the unprecedented "pressing," the highs and lows of it all, my mom writes of faith, of hope, of still wanting to trust a God who has chosen to entrust them with heavy burdens and hardships and uncertainties.

May this blog post encourage you, cheer you on in your own fight for faith, and point you back to the One who loves us enough to use sufferings and change to press us into Himself.

http://lavishgrace.blogspot.com/

Better late than never... The newborn photo shoot!

2011-09-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Jeremy at four weeks old (August 15). Photography by Lorelei Conover.

Agent Baby Face

2011-09-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

Not one of my more cerebral blogs, but I've learned the art of making iMovies one-handed while feeding Baby J....

Baked turkey and spinach meatballs (gluten-free)

2011-09-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

These meatballs meet my three requirements for a favorite dish: healthy, yummy, and super easy. (My hubby says they're the best meatballs he's ever had!) Tonight I'm going to try forming them into patties instead of balls so we can grill them...

Ingredients:
1 pound ground turkey
1 cup loosely packed fresh spinach, finely chopped
3 green onions, minced
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried basil
2 tablespoons ketchup*
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning (I use Trader Joe's 21-spice seasoning)
1 cup gluten-free bread crumbs
1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese (I use my substitute rice-based cheese to make this dairy-free)

*To avoid high fructose corn syrup, I made my own ketchup: 4 tablespoons tomato paste, 1 tablespoon olive oil, 1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar, dashes of salt/pepper, 1 tablespoon agave, and 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce. Adjust ingredients to taste (for example, if you like a sweeter ketchup, add more agave, and so on).

Directions:
Heat oven to 375 degrees F.
Spray a 13 x 9-inch baking dish with no-stick cooking spray.
Combine turkey, spinach, green onions, oregano, basil, ketchup, salt, pepper, bread crumbs and cheese in large bowl. Mix thoroughly. Shape into 1-inch balls. Place in prepared baking dish. Bake 15 minutes or until fully cooked.

For the original recipe without my modifications, visit Allrecipes.com.

I love you, Babe.

2011-09-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

(You're hot.)

Gluten-free, dairy-free pizza (that tastes like the real deal)

2011-09-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite dishes: gluten-free, dairy-free pizza with pepperoni, spinach, and cashews!

I had quite the time finding a dairy-free cheese that didn't taste....weird. Every soy-based cheese I tried not only repulsed my taste buds but also melted into gobs or slimy layers. Blegh. At long last, I tracked down a rice-based cheese that I liked (and actually tasted like mozzarella!) at my favorite health food store Clark's.

Same struggle with finding good gluten-free crusts, but same success at the end...

I used to love making my own pizza sauce (a recipe from my best friend Christy Allen)--the simmer and smell of it were outdone only by its taste! But these days in the interest of time and baby, I now resort to Trader's Joe's marinara ($1.29 for a jar). For a little pizza-sauce-like sweetness, a bit of agave does the trick!

From a fellow people-pleaser...

2011-09-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

I love when someone else can put my heart into words for me. This excerpt from Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy expresses a journey I've been on for the past two years. While I've never grieved a loss like this author, who lost her baby girl two hours after she was born, I've come to the same convictions and conclusions (I briefly touched on this in my previous blog A Socially Admired Insanity).

I think many of you will identify with Angie as well, and be blessed by her candor and heartfelt insights. Lord, give us Your wisdom as we discern Your leading and priorities in our lives...

[page 155]

“None of us grieves the same way, and one of the best things we can do is to give ourselves permission to live that out. For me that has meant facing things in myself that I have always known were problematic (I am a people pleaser through and through) and changing the way I allowed them to run my life. Sometimes it takes something drastic for you to shift a boundary line, and for me losing Audrey did that.

“For example, I have found that there are some people in my life I don’t feel as comfortable being myself around. It isn’t because they aren’t great people but more because I feel an obligation to befriend them in a way I’m not capable of anymore. They need more of me than I can give, and I have gotten better about not spreading myself so thin. Instead of booking every minute solid so that I could make sure everything was taken care of for everyone else, I have made a point to have time just to sit in my sorrow. That sounds strange to say, but whenever I am in a hard place emotionally, my first instinct is to fill up my calendar and make sure I have another person beside me at all times. There are certainly times when being in community is necessary and beneficial, but for me it became a way to run from being alone with the Lord, and I began to suffer because of it. He wanted me to be still and to let Him take care of me instead of depending on everyone else to do it. I won’t say I’m great at it yet, but I’m better.

“I also had to start saying the sentence I have avoided for most of my life: ‘I need you to do this.’ It’s always been easy to extend myself beyond what was humanly possible and then beat myself up when I failed. I am trying to do less of this, and when I started to back down from commitments and expectations, some people didn’t know how to handle it. If you have walked through something similar, I am sure you have images of a person or group of people that meet this description, and I am praying for you as you discern who is a blessing and who is a burden. You may need to reprioritize your relationships…”

After posting a link to this blog on Facebook, one of my best friends (one of the godliest women I know, a faithful wife and mommy, as well as a gifted family counselor) made these comments...

"That is so great. People aren't comfortable when we change. They are so used to the way we've interacted with them over the years that it's natural for them to feel thrown a little when we are different. But a true respector of persons will allow for that change and respect it in you. If they can't ultimately get there, then they were likely "using" your relationship to mask their own wounds. I hope to someday be so accustomed to being direct and true with my relationships that I have room to pour out to a broader group of people and not have it drain me so much. I think God would love to bring us full circle in many of these types of relationships." - Lisa Hamel

Diapers are divine

2011-09-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

Every season has its unique ways of pressing upon one's soul. And the pressing becomes our healing, as layers of self and sin are stripped away and room is made for more of Christ (and less of me).

Sometimes it's overwhelming joy and blessing that leans its full weight upon our hearts. We like this particular pressing, don't we?—but it too can undo us, and so the apostle Paul says, “I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:12-13). Face abundance? That's an odd way to look at it, isn't it? But probably all of us can identify such a time in our lives. Last summer was so full of “abundance”—marrying and moving in with my husband, all the dearest people in my life flying in from around the world to be under one roof at the same time—I actually had a small panic attack! I didn't know how to function in (or process) so much blessing all at once!

Sometimes it's a severe burden or bundle of burdens that presses hard upon us. We all have sufficient experiences with these—we are well acquainted with the scalpel of suffering, and we are forever changed by it. It’s in these times that our hearts either harden or soften toward the Lord and the people in our lives. We either grow in grace and maturity and joy, or we allow bitterness and resentment to rob us of the fruits of our suffering.

More often than not, though, it’s a mixed bag: joy and sorrow woven tightly together, the highs with the lows, the agonies inseparable from the ecstasies. For me, the gift of motherhood has come this way, packaged with both indescribable joys and huge learning curves. Post-partum depression keeps company with unbridled laughter; Jeremy’s tummy troubles and hours of crying every night give way to tender moments as he tucks his head under my chin and finally falls asleep in peace; sleep deprivation that has made me wild with exhaustion gives me a chance to see new depths of my husband’s selflessness and love and tangible care.

From the time I could pick up a dolly and nurture her (i.e., drag her around by one arm and stick a fake bottle into her permanently puckered lips), I've wanted to be a mommy. I've waited all my life for this unspeakable privilege. Does this make me naturally good at it? Does this exempt me from frustrations or daily finding the end of myself?

No. Rather, I am chased back to Christ once again, in a very new season, with very different joys and challenges. As I've begged my Abba's help and turned to His Word, He's answered so faithfully, "Thank Me, Colleen. And keep thanking Me—for everything you can think of. Consider it all pure joy." Isn't a thankful spirit strong medicine? "Thank You, Lord, for a sunny balcony, a selfless husband, time for a hot shower this morning, my friend's sweet text, this iced coffee, the physical ability to care for my baby, Your unfailing love, Jeremy's precious smiles just now... Thank You that I keep finding the end of myself so that I need You and can't boast in anything but You! Thank You for the grace my husband gives me when I'm not a nice person... Thank You that I am about a great gospel work as I nurture this little man to love and serve You."

And suddenly, my heart is revived. My exhausted senses are once again sharpened to be able to enjoy the blessing of this little boy, to soak up all the love my husband showers on me, to deal with the breast infection, to keep my irrational emotions in check, and to remember how great a work it is to clean up a poop explosion and rock my sobbing baby to sleep. May I daily embrace both the joys and the challenges of this new season of life, this precious gift from God called motherhood.

Photography by Lisa Hamel.

In good company

2011-08-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

I’m writing this to strengthen my own soul. C. J. Mahaney and Paul David Tripp have called it “talking to yourself” and “preaching truth to yourself” instead of listening to yourself. So I write—not only in the hope of encouraging others, but also because my feeble and sin-prone heart needs the constant reminder.

I’ve been slowly listening through more of John Piper’s audio biographies, namely Charles Simeon, William Tyndale, C.H. Spurgeon, and David Brainerd. Long before it was popular to read Christian biographies, my parents required it of us kids. My brothers and I grew up in the company of the Goforths, Amy Carmichael, Hudson Taylor, the Wesleys, Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, the Stams, and so on. Charles Haddon Spurgeon eventually became my favorite saint because of his ability to draw beautiful pictures from Scripture (I’m a visual learner); his passion for the Word; and the way he endured depression (a long-time struggle of mine), public criticism, and physical suffering (both his own and his wife’s).

I’ve revisited these saints because I’ve sensed an unwelcome “softness of soul” in myself in recent months. Bottom line: I’m fearful of suffering. I fear losing my beloved husband, precious baby, and other loved ones; I’m fearful of enduring more physical pain, of the economy collapsing entirely, and of a culture that is increasingly hostile to Christians. The list could go on and on.

I’m not only fearful of suffering, but I’m also myopic in my perspective. Myopic is defined as nearsighted, shortsighted, and lacking understanding. That’s me. I can hone in on the clutter and the laundry pile, the brokenhearted friend, an unfair situation that tempts me to anger, or my shortcomings as a wife and mommy—completely losing sight of the fact that God is weaving my circumstances and relationships and even my failures into beautiful kingdom work. Stuff that matters. Stuff that lasts.

And so I return to my childhood friends—those who lived rugged lives of faith, who lived unreservedly in the hope and purpose and joy of the gospel, men and women who lost their lives so they could find them, who considered present sufferings well worth the eternal rewards awaiting them, and who treasured Christ above all else. We are soft in our day: complaining about the heat, impatient when our Starbucks drink isn’t made to perfection, overly sensitive about our emotions and our rights, and stressed by schedules that make calendars bleed. We need a bigger view, a historical perspective, and the company of those who have gone before us.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith…” Hebrews 12:1-2

When "We're due!" comes right after "I do!"

2011-08-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

Having a baby during your first year of marriage is not necessarily a socially acceptable practice. There are finances to be considered, the much-coveted “couple’s alone time” to preserve, and freedoms to cherish: I mean, who wants to give up vacations and traveling, spontaneous dates, and long hours of uninterrupted communication?

Um, we did.

Obviously, Eddie and I did things just a wee bit differently than most. I had a sweet friend ask me for my thoughts on our counter-cultural decision: Are we glad we didn’t wait? Would we recommend it to other newlywed couples?

While there’s no one “right way,” and every couple must seek the Lord’s heart and leading for their own family situation, Eddie and I are so glad we jumped right in. So whether or not you think we’re crazy (which we very well may be), here is my Top 10 list of reasons why it’s wonderful to say “We’re due!” right after “I do!”

I’ve seen the depth and strength and authenticity of my husband’s character in stunning new ways since he’s become a father.
From a difficult pregnancy to post-partum blues to my present exhaustion, I’ve learned to depend upon my husband—and not get away with my independent, self-reliant spirit. I’ve tangibly needed Eddie on a daily basis.
We’ve enjoyed learning and researching and making decisions together about how God is leading us to parent our little man.
We’ve laughed more together since Jeremy’s birth than ever before.
We want to adopt God’s heart for children, to love “the fruit of the womb” that He gives, and not think of kiddos as inconveniences, budget busters, or freedom killers.
We didn’t have time to establish our own routine or habits for Jeremy to “interrupt.” When someone warned us about this potential frustration, we laughed and explained we haven't been together long enough to know the difference!
Eddie and I said early on in our dating relationship that we wanted to be “struggle buddies”—to not use our relationship to avoid the struggles of life, but to face them head-on together. Both pregnancy and our first month of parenting have already given us many more opportunities for just that!
There's something to be said about loving each other through exhaustion.
There’s been no time to get too comfortable and secure in "newlywedness," that’s for sure—we’re in a constant state of change and uncertainty, which forces us to trust the Lord in new ways.
Who needs fun-n-spicy dates?! We have a standing date to see each other multiple times in the middle of the night!

August 28, 2010

Pregnant October 2010 - July 2011

July 17, 2011

"A faint echo of God's great love for me"

2011-08-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from Francis Chan's book Crazy Love

The concept of being wanted by a father was foreign to me. Growing up, I felt unwanted by my dad. My mother died giving birth to me, so maybe he saw me as a the cause of her death; I’m not sure.

I never carried on a meaningful conversation with my dad. In fact, the only affection I remember came when I was nine years old: He put his arm around me for about thirty seconds while we were on our way to my stepmother’s funeral. Besides that, the only other physical touch I experienced were the beatings I received when I disobeyed or bothered him.

My goal in our relationship was not to annoy my father. I would walk around the house trying not to upset him.

He died when I was twelve. I cried but also felt relief.

The impact of this relationship affected me for years, and I think a lot of those emotions transferred to my relationship with God. For example, I tried hard not to annoy God with my sin or upset Him with my little problems. I had no aspiration of being wanted by God; I was just happy not to be hated or hurt by Him.

Don’t get me wrong. Not everything about my dad was bad. I really do thank God for him, because he taught me discipline, respect, fear, and obedience. I also think he loved me. But I can’t sugarcoat how my relationship with him negatively affected my view of God for many years.

Thankfully, my relationship with God took a major turn when I became a father myself. After my oldest daughter was born, I began to see how wrong I was in my thinking about God. For the first time I got a taste of what I believe God feels toward us. I thought about my daughter often. I prayed for her while she slept at night. I showed her picture to anyone who would look. I wanted to give her the world.

Sometimes when I come home from work, my little girl greets me by running out to the driveway and jumping into my arms before I can even get out of the car. As you can imagine, arriving home has become one of my favorite moments of the day.

My own love and desire for my kids’ love is so strong that it opened my eyes to how much God desires and loves us. My daughter’s expression of love for me and her desire to be with me is the most amazing thing. Nothing compares to being truly, exuberantly wanted by your children.

Through this experience, I came to understand that my desire for my children is only a faint echo of God’s great love for me and for every person He made. I am just an earthly, sinful father, and I love my kids so much it hurts. How could I not trust a heavenly, perfect Father who loves me infinitely more than I will ever love my kids?

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" [Matthew 7:11]

--Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Crepes: protein-style! (and gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free)

2011-08-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

These take just seconds to whip up, and three of the four ingredients are loaded with protein! And they are sooooo tasty!

Ingredients
2 eggs
1/2 cup almond flour/meal
1/2 cup almond milk
1/4 teaspoon vanilla
dash of cinnamon (optional)

Directions
Beat eggs and milk together. Add almond flour and vanilla, and mix well. Cook on skillet over low heat. Makes 6-8 medium-sized crepes.

Top with maple syrup, agave, berries, or your own favorite topping!

Perspective for a sleep-deprived mommy

2011-08-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Fleeting moments...
Yes, these will fly
And he'll be grown
In the blink of an eye.
True... sleepless hours
And baggy eyes
Won't be missed,
But I realize
That with them go
His newborn ways:
His coos and cries,
His cherub face.
With every season
Comes its joys
And challenges
Of raising boys.
So... tired mommy,
Treasure this day
Before it turns
To yesterday.

Photo by Karen Race

Twisted logic

2011-08-05T17:07:00.000-07:00

"The twisted logic of the flesh is subtle—or it wouldn't work. It sounds reasonable. It knows that God has called you to work hard at your calling, and to give yourself to other people in love. Of course, the flesh would rather you did nothing noble and pleasing to God; but if it can use your work and social life to undermine your communion with God, it will.

"But think through this: Is it likely that God would call you to do more than he gives you time to do? No one who believes God is good and wise could answer yes. So when it seems you don't have enough time to do your work, care for your family, love your friends, and devote yourself to prayer and meditation, the problem isn't God's providence. The problem may be that you've taken on yourself more than God intended."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

"Which is easier: to sit with a bucket of butter-soaked popcorn and watch Tom Cruise on the big screen for two hours, or kneel and pray for five minutes? Tom Cruise wins hands down, because there is literally no competition. What the flesh hates is God, so it resists anything that smacks of God—especially communion with him. The flesh can curl up by your side and watch mindless movies all night long. But let even the barest thought of meditations flutter into your mind, and the flesh goes to Red Alert. Before you get past "Our Father," your eyes, which were glued to the screen, now sag in sleepiness, and your attention, which was so fixed on the plot, now zips around the universe faster than the Starship Enterprise.

"You can feel the hostility of the flesh whenever you approach God—it makes real love for him into work."

—Kris Lundgaard, The Enemy Within

A roommate, a due date, and God in the details

2011-08-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

Months ago I prayed a selfish little prayer: that the Lord would allow me to deliver my baby at the same time as my dear friend Megan Litka. With our due dates just six days apart, and the same doctors and hospital, what could be more fun?

Meg and I lived together for three unforgettable years. Yes, we both wanted to be married (it was the subject of many a conversation), but while we waited we crammed a lot of fun into those roommate years--and at the end of them, I was a better person for knowing and living with Meg.

Meg was the ideal roommate. I needed an audience for my Celine Dion and Whitney Houston performances, as well as my corny jokes and puns, and Meg was quick to share her infectious laughter and applause. (Seriously, if you ask anyone who knows Megan, they'll tell you she has the best, most contagious laugh in the world.) Megan became a marathon runner while we lived together, and by the time I woke up in the morning, she'd already finished her 16-mile training run. (I got winded just thinking about running 3 miles, thank you very much.) Our first summer together we were both poor, and we resolved to save money by not running our air conditioner. The day it reached 97 degrees inside and we looked at each other with sweat dripping down our faces, we decided to break the bank and turn on the AC. Then there was the time we almost succeeded in burning up a barbecue and burning down our kitchen (oh, yes, and then there was the patio fire too...). We laughed together over some horrible dates along the way, we cried and prayed together through the difficult waiting days, we constantly played pranks on each other, we almost lost our lives trying to climb down a beach cliff one summer, and we shared the same passion for reading our Bibles and journaling over a cup of coffee at Starbucks (which is how Megan met her wonderful husband, but that's for another blog).

That was seven years ago...

Exactly three weeks before my due date, I was at Meg's house with our mutual friend Karen Race. Because of some complications with her pregnancy, Meg was scheduled for an induction the following day, but I had no idea I would be in labor in just ten hours' time! Karen captured these sweet moments with her camera, moments before we both popped...

I labored through that Saturday night, and then on Sunday morning, July 17, at 5:20 a.m., Baby Jeremy was born. Fifteen hours later, Meg was admitted to the hospital (on the second floor, while I recovered on the third), and Baby Aven was born July 18 at 7:54 p.m. I'm always amazed at seeing God in the details of my life. It was a silly prayer request, not significant in the big scheme of things, not even worth blogging about really.... But isn't it sweet to celebrate God's goodness, even in the trivial things? He called Megan and me to wait a long time for marriage and to share a bit of the journey of suffering together; and then He blessed us both with godly husbands and precious little baby boys.

I've loved texting back and forth with Meg in these first days of motherhood. Her faith and sweet spirit in this new season of life encourage me immensely, and I marvel at a God who would care to once again weave our stories together--for our good and for His glory.

The sum of Christianity

2011-07-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

"It is not religion that makes us good before God. Rather, it is God alone who makes us good. It all comes down to what God has done. Before this, all our claims fall. Both culture and religion stand under divine judgment. The themes of our morality and our religion have been exposed; we wanted to be masters of eternity, and now we are slaves. Only one thing can save us: the way of God, which is called grace . . . Not religion but revelation, grace, love . . . Not the way to God but the way of God to humanity: that is the sum of Christianity."

—Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Thoughts from a new mommy

2011-07-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well, we are only nine days into parenthood, but I feel like I’ve crammed a semester’s worth of parenting material into my heart and mind in that short time. Good thing I don’t have to take a final.

It’s just as everyone says: nothing prepares you for parenthood—except parenthood. Sure, Eddie and I can draw on secondhand experiences we’ve had, and those are helpful, but when the buck stops with you, it’s definitely a different experience, isn’t it? We’re learning new skills on the fly: I’m aspiring to be the One-handed Wonder Girl, doing make-up, laundry, writing, and sundry other tasks with just one hand (cradling Baby J with the other). I’ve weathered seasons of sleep deprivation before, but living the first 72 hours post-labor on just a few short naps definitely stretched me to my physical limits. I thought I ate a lot while I was pregnant, but now I eat like a cow (a milking cow, that is). As Jeremy nurses, I inhale protein bars and fruit and nuts and pasta and anything else I can get my hands (or at least one hand) on.

Laundry is…mountainous. But the constantly soiled clothes give us an excuse to let Jeremy model multiple cute outfits every day. Have I already mentioned how absolutely adorable he is? (And how thankful we are for your gifts of both new and hand-me-down clothing? What a blessing!)

I pray a lot. It’s surprised me to see what motherhood has already surfaced in my heart and mind. Do you veteran moms remember these first fears? Discovering your protective Mama Bear instinct? And trying to discern between worry and legitimate concern? Our little boy came home at 5 pounds, 13 ounces (he was born at 6.2, but as you know, breastfed babies lose a little weight the first week), and I was a bit overwhelmed at his fragility and helplessness. I’ve juggled myriad responsibilities in my life, big and weighty stuff over the years, but a precious little life? This drives me to trust the sovereignty and strength of my Abba as never before. The Giver of Life has already ordained Jeremy’s days, He’s written every one of them in His book, so I must continually learn to rest in His perfect plan for our son. To hold loosely while loving lavishly. Oh, I have so much to learn.

Baby Jeremy smiles when we kiss him, coos as he nurses, and makes us laugh with his antics and expressions. My heart writhes when he screams and melts when he looks up at me in the middle of the night, with his blinking almond-shaped eyes.

More than once, I’ve smiled through tears as I look at this long-awaited gift in my arms. How many years did I long for children, ache to be a mom, dream of holding my very own baby? And here he is—an undeserved blessing from my Lord, capturing my heart, making me need my Abba in fresh ways, revealing new strengths and weaknesses, and confirming that everything within me was made for this immeasurably large but sweet task called motherhood.

Lord,
I’m not sure what I’m doing,
I’m ill-prepared for such a task…
And yet for such a task
I’ve waited, prayed…
In fact, for this great task
I’m called, I’m made.
So in my helpless moments,
When I don’t know what to do…
Remind me that in weakness,
I find out more of You.

Baby Jeremy

2011-07-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

How do Eddie and I begin to express our joy and gratitude? Not only did God gift us with a beautiful son, but He has also surrounded us with all of your prayers and meals and gifts and excitement. Thank you, dear ones!

Many of you have asked for details, so here’s as brief an account as I can manage (my usual verbosity is happily cut short by a busy little babe and all the wonderful new skills I’m learning on the fly!).

I’ve laughed at your solitary wide-eyed question, “WHAT HAPPENED?!” Yes, last Saturday, three weeks before my due date, I was brunching with best friends, waddling around Target, and trying to finish unpacking from our move the weekend before. Our nursery was a shambles, and we definitely did not have a hospital bag packed…

Saturday’s contractions shifted into high gear Saturday night. At 10:20 p.m., I looked at Eddie and said, “I don’t think these kind of contractions can last for three weeks.” I labored at home for as long as I could, sang (yes, sang—inspired by a story my mom told me) through intensifying contractions, and then headed to the hospital shortly after midnight.

Leaving for the hospital...

The nurses were caught off guard by how far along I was and eventually had to tell me NOT to push because the doctor hadn’t arrived yet. (Yeah, right. Don’t push?! He’s comin’ whether you like it or not!)

At 5:20 a.m., the doctor held up a bloody-but-beautiful Baby Jeremy and laid him on my tummy. That is a moment I will never forget—and will never be able to describe. (He weighed 6 pounds, 2 ounces, and measured 19 inches long.)

Moments after birth

Our dear Abba paved our way with mercies. Because of the intense physical pain I’d endured through pregnancy, natural birthing wasn’t as horrible as I’d expected. I assumed that Jeremy, at just 37 weeks, would end up in NICU, but every test found him strong and healthy. We were able to share our faith with both nurses and doctors, and the cherry on top was having one of my besties (Karen Race) visiting from D.C.!

And now a sweet baby calls, so I’ll conclude with a few pictures and our sincerest gratitude (we wish we could communicate with each one of you personally, but right now we get excited if we find the time to shower).

One week before

Imagine that.

2011-07-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

I originally posted this on October 19, 2008 on my old blog Red Ink and Vibrato. And while I am happily content to be off-stage during this season of my life, I treasure the memories and this particular lesson learned...

I love acting.

I love opening that new script for the very first time, getting fitted for a costume, and blocking scenes for tedious hours on end. And then there's the adrenaline rush of opening night, the stage lights (which will always hold a certain charming appeal), the forgotten prop, the caked-on make-up, the five-second costume change, the hard-earned audience laughter, and the mic tape on my face.

But what I love most about acting is—the acting. I'm enthralled with becoming another person. It's a mysterious journey that begins with reading my character's lines off a page of the script and ends when I actually embody her—moving and responding and thinking and looking like a once total stranger.

Okay, you're judging me now, aren't you? Was it when I said "embody her"? Yes, that's strange, I'll admit. But think about it: When you were little, you could drop to your knees and bark like a dog and chase an imaginary ball, and no one thought twice about it. You became a dog for those few minutes—and it was stinkin' fun!

But somewhere along the line, we all grew up and stopped... imagining. We learned the harder side of life and we learned the danger of being innocent and naive, and in the process we suffocated our imaginations. Being realistic and pragmatic defined our adulthood.

But then, how do we even begin to deal with eternal realities if we can no longer imagine? If experience and reason alone dictate reality, what are we to do with the miraculous, the supernatural, the infinite?

Which is why I love acting. I'm forced to exercise my atrophied imagination, to think outside my little world, to wonder and explore and create to my heart's content.

And in the process, I understand a bit more of what it means to take on another identity. God has given me a perfect script in His holy Scriptures, and He has cast me as His new creation. This righteous creation could not be more different than my old sinful self. For me, the toughest part of acting is to think like another person. It may be easy to act like them, but to think like them? In the same way, it's relatively easy to act like a Christian, but to think like one? To react and respond like one? To have impulses and desires like one? I must let the Author's script and Spirit shape my heart and mind until the new creation upstages the old.

When a director casts me as a penniless widow, well, then—a penniless widow I will be. When my God, Creator, Sustainer, and Lord tells me I am a new creation—well, then, a new creation I will be. I will study the Script, I will think new thoughts, and I will act in obedience for the applause of One great audience.

Almond-crusted baked chicken

2011-07-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

I just experimented (yes, again—it's a bad habit!) on my hubby and one of my best friends, Karen Race, visiting from Washington, D.C. Our dinner of baked polenta, roasted Brussels and carrots, and eggplant caponata, was crowned by this delish chicken!

Ingredients

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

1 egg, beaten

½ cup almond flour/meal

4 tablespoons Parmesan cheese (I used a rice-based substitute to make this dairy-free)

olive oil

salt/pepper

Directions

Preheat oven to 425.

Spray 9x13 casserole dish with nonstick spray.

Mix almond meal and cheese together in shallow bowl.

Pat dry chicken breasts.

*Optional: sear breasts in skillet on oven-top, one minute each side.

Coat chicken breasts in egg, then in almond meal mixture.

Arrange in casserole dish and sprinkle remaining mixture on top.

Drizzle with olive oil; salt and pepper to taste.

Bake in oven for 25 minutes. Flip breasts and cook for 15 more minutes. Mmmm...

The Michelin Tire Baby

2011-07-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is me.
And yes, I was really this fat.

If Jeremy ends up with rolls of skin and folds that have to be separated to wash, don't judge. Just recognize that he takes after his mom.

The nice thing about nomads...

2011-07-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve moved twelve times in the past ten years. I’ve learned the importance of living simply, constantly purging closets and clutter, and admitting that I have far too many books. (But how can you get rid of dear old friends? And so the large library continues to move with me, now combined with Eddie’s arsenal. I think the baby’s nursery may end up looking more like Barnes & Noble than Babies R Us.)

Because our family moved a lot when I was growing up, my mom had us live by the rule, “If you haven’t used it in the past six months, get rid of it.” I learned the mercy rule too: pack in a way that blesses your volunteer movers (a.k.a., friends and family). Don’t ask them to do what you can do beforehand: organize, box, and clearly label. They may just want to help you move again next time!

A sweet friend told me yesterday that she keeps my constantly changing address on sticky notes. Good idea. When I’m filling out an application that asks for my history of residences, I struggle to recall the smattering of apartment numbers, street names, and zip codes. A cop pulled me over several years ago, and he couldn’t believe that I had a different address on my license, registration, and insurance card. “Where exactly do you live?” he asked with an edge of exasperation. Good question.

This nomadic existence has taught me many wonderful lessons, the greatest of which is to anticipate my permanent residence in heaven, where I’ll finally be able to settle in for forever. I’ve also learned to find and enjoy the positive aspects of every home I live in: an apartment with an attached garage, indoor washer/dryer hook-ups, proximity to a good grocery store and quaint coffee shop, a lessened commute, or a beautiful balcony view. I hold more loosely to material things, yet I still enjoy the creative adventure of making home out of a variety of places and settings.

This goes without saying, but making a home with my husband is a joy. I had the very best roommates imaginable during my fifteen years as a single woman, but all of us were agreed: we weren’t made to live with girls for the rest of our lives, that’s for sure. It’s not the natural order of things. Living with a husband is better by far.

So as Eddie and I settle into our new apartment (my favorite home by far because of the layout, location, view, and a baby’s room to boot!), I am reminded again that we are only passing through. These are all temporary residences as we await our permanent eternal one—our perfect home prepared by our Heavenly Father and far better than anything we can imagine on this side of heaven.

Quest for quiet, prayers for peace

2011-07-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

Today I'm praying through Scriptures for Eddie, Jeremy, and myself: for quiet spirits, a peaceful life, and souls at rest in the Lord. As I've prayed, I've found myself almost ashamed to ask so boldly for a few of these blessings! How can I dare to ask for a peaceful home or respite from the very world I'm called to minister to? Yet here is my Father's heart, revealed in the pages of Scripture, desiring that I live in peace—even in the midst of uncertainty and suffering and a cruel world. I am easily anxious; I deeply desire to become a woman who is instead "quick to rest."

May these precious promises wash over your soul as they have mine...

Lord, give us rest from our surrounding enemies, who would distract us from You and Your purposes in our lives, and grant our hearts peace and quiet in our days. 1 Chronicles 22:9

Dear Abba, let this “realm,” our home, be a quiet one; give us rest all around, wall to wall, room to room. Let this place be a refuge from a loud, chaotic, distracting world. 2 Chronicles 20:30

Lord, teach us how to quiet our souls with You, like a weaned child with its mother. Psalm 131:2

Father, even if we have only a “dry morsel” to eat, let there be peace and quiet in our home, for that’s better than a house full of feasting with strife. Proverbs 17:1

Lord, I don’t want to be like the fool, so teach me how to quietly hold back my spirit—instead of giving full vent to it! Give me strength to quiet my spirit when it is distressed, angry, or irritable. Proverbs 29:11

Dear Abba, teach me how to have a handful of quietness at all times. Don’t let me fill up my two hands with toil and a striving after the wind. Ecclesiastes 4:6

Merciful Father, help me to be careful and to be quiet; to not be fearful and to not let my heart grow faint, even in the midst of fiercely angry people. Isaiah 7:4

Lord, let my whole being be at rest and quiet; and let me sing out of that sweet peace! Isaiah 14:7

Abba, You say that in returning and rest I will be saved; and in quietness and trust I will be strong. Don’t let me be like the Israelites who were unwilling… Isaiah 30:15

O Lord, let me constantly practice and live in righteousness, the results of which are quietness and trust forever! Isaiah 32:17

Dear Lord, let my family dwell in peaceful habitations, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places. Isaiah 32:18

Abba, I ask that You give Jeremy quiet in his soul, that he would not be dismayed, and that none would make him afraid. Jeremiah 30:10

O Lord, help us wait quietly for Your salvation even if it is a long time in coming. Help us be quiet in our innermost soul as we wait for You to deliver us from certain sins and weaknesses, circumstances, frailties, pressures, and needs. Lamentations 3:26

Quiet us by Your love, dear Lord. Zephaniah 3:17

Lord, help us be quiet and not rash. Acts 19:36

Abba, help us to live and work quietly, with our own hands, earning our own living, minding our own affairs. 1 Thessalonians 4:11, 2 Thessalonians 3:12

Lord, remind us to pray for our leaders and governing authorities, that we might be blessed through them to lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. 1 Timothy 2:2

Dear Father, teach me how to learn quietly, with all submissiveness, not lording over my husband, not fretting, not striving, but rather adorning myself with the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in Your sight. 1 Timothy 2:11-12, 1 Peter 3:4

Best Blueberry Pie (gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free)

2011-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

I am currently attempting to not eat a second huge piece of this pie. Even if you can eat dairy, gluten, and sugar, you will love this tasty treat with a healthy twist!

Crust

1-1/2 cups of almond flour
1/4 tsp of salt
1/4 tsp of baking soda
1/4 cup oil
2 tbsp of agave nectar
1 tsp vanilla
1 egg white, beaten (optional)

Preheat oven at 350˚F.

Combine the dry ingredients in a large bowl.
Combine butter, agave and vanilla in a smaller bowl.
Stir the butter mixture into the dry ingredients until it becomes dough.
Press the dough onto the bottom and sides of the pie pan.
(Optional step: Brush the egg white on the bottom and sides of the pie crust.)
Bake for 10 minutes.
Cool completely (or overnight) before pouring in filling.

Filling

4 cups fresh or frozen blueberries
¾ cup agave nectar
3 Tablespoons cornstarch or 6 Tablespoons GF flour
½ teaspoon grated lemon peel
½ teaspoon cinnamon
1 Tablespoon lemon juice

Stir ingredients together in saucepan over medium heat until thickened, careful to prevent berries from crushing. Remove from heat, pour into chilled crust, and refrigerate.

Pregnancy in pictures

2011-07-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

As today is officially July, Eddie and I were excited to say, "We're having a baby next month!" And if he comes a few days early, it could even be this month! (We kinda need to move into our new home first, though, so...)

Here are some preggo pics, from eighteen weeks to this week. I am feeling large and awkward to say the least. But so very thankful for every day God has given this little guy life...

18 weeks

23 weeks

26 weeks

28 weeks

31 weeks

33 weeks

34 weeks

"The Unbelief of Impatience"

2011-06-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

This is one of those "wow" devotionals by John Piper. Can't we all relate with the struggle of impatience? May this excerpt encourage your heart as it has mine today...

Battling the Unbelief of Impatience

In God's Place, at God's Pace

Impatience is a form of unbelief. It's what we begin to feel when we start to doubt the wisdom of God's timing or the goodness of his guidance. It springs up in our hearts when the road to success gets muddy or strewn with boulders or blocked by some fallen tree. The battle with impatience can be a little skirmish over a long wait in a checkout lane. Or it can be a major combat over a handicap or disease or circumstance that knocks out half your dreams.

The opposite of impatience is not a glib, superficial denial of frustration. The opposite of impatience is a deepening, ripening, peaceful willingness either to wait for God where you are in the place of obedience, or to persevere at the pace he allows on the road of obedience—to wait in his place, or to go at his pace.

The Battle Against Unbelief

When the way you planned to run your day, or the way you planned to live your life is cut off or slowed down, the unbelief of impatience tempts you in two directions, depending partly on your personality partly on circumstances:

On the one side, it tempts you to give up, bail out. If there's going to be frustration and opposition and difficulty, then I'll just forget it. I won't keep this job, or take this challenge, rear this child, or stay in this marriage, or live this life. That's one way the unbelief of impatience tempts you. Give up.

On the other side, impatience tempts you to make rash counter moves against the obstacles in your way. It tempts you to be impetuous or hasty or impulsive or reckless. If you don't turn your car around and go home, you rush into some ill-advised detour to try to beat the system.

Whichever way you have to battle impatience, the main point today is that it's a battle against unbelief and therefore it's not merely a personality issue. It's the issue of whether you live by faith and whether you inherit the promises of eternal life. Listen to these verses to sense how vital this battle is:

Luke 21:19—"By your endurance [patience] you will gain your lives."

Romans 2:7—"To those who by patience in well-doing seek for glory and honor and immortality, God will give eternal life."

Hebrews 6:12—"Do not be sluggish but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises."

Patience in doing the will of God is not an optional virtue in the Christian life. And the reason it's not is because faith is not an optional virtue. Patience in well-doing is the fruit of faith. And impatience is the fruit of unbelief. And so the battle against impatience is a battle against unbelief. And so the chief weapon is the Word of God, especially his promises.

How the Psalmist Battled Against Impatience

Before we look at Isaiah 30, I want you to see this relationship between the promises of God and the patience of the believer in Psalm 130:5. How does the psalmist battle against impatience in his heart?

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in his word I hope.

"Waiting for the Lord" is an Old Testament way of describing the opposite of impatience. Waiting for the Lord is the opposite of running ahead of the Lord and it's the opposite of bailing out on the Lord. It's staying at your appointed place while he says stay, or it's going at his appointed pace while he says go. It's not impetuous and it's not despairing.

Now how does the psalmist sustain his patience as he waits for the Lord to show him the next move? Verse 5 says, "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and IN HIS WORD I HOPE." The strength that sustains you in patience is hope, and the source of hope is the Word of God. "In his word I hope!" And hope is just faith in the future tense. Hebrews says, "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for."

So what we have in Psalm 130:5 is a clear illustration that the way to battle impatience is to buttress your hope (or faith) in God, and the way to buttress your hope in God is to listen to his Word, especially his promises.

If you are tempted not to wait peacefully for God, to let him give you your next move—if you are tempted to give up on him or go ahead without him—please realize that this is a moment for great spiritual warfare. Take the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17), and wield some wonderful promise against the enemy of impatience.

By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website:desiringGod.org. For the full article, visit http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/battling-the-unbelief-of-impatience.

Gluten-free, dairy-free, oh-so-good crepes!

2011-06-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

For years I was addicted to a crepe recipe my Aunt Paula had passed along: 3 eggs, 2 cups of milk, 1 cup of flour. I'd stand at the stove eating the hot crepes as fast as I cooked them! But when I had to cut gluten from my diet a year-and-a-half ago, I gave up the recipe with no little sadness.

Since then, I've experimented with a few GF crepe recipes, but it wasn't until this morning that I found a winner! Whether or not you are gluten-free, you'll love these light-but-hearty crepes...

Ingredients
1 egg
1/2 cup almond milk
1/2 cup oat flour (so easy to make your own: throw regular oats into a food processor or Magic Bullet)

Directions
Blend all three ingredients in a blender. Cook on stove-top griddle at medium-high heat. This recipe makes a very small batch (about 4 medium-sized crepes); I could easily eat a double batch myself. If you're serving more than one or two people, I'd triple or quadruple the recipe.

I was out of pure maple syrup this morning, so I drizzled some agave syrup on top, and was it ever yummy! I'm sure you can think of a variety of other fun toppings too. Hope you enjoy these as much as I did...

Ten months

2011-06-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

Ten months ago today I became Mrs. Edward Chao...

As I reflect on these first months of marriage, I'm astonished at all that has unfolded in such a short time, how Eddie and I have grown together in our covenant love, and what I've learned about Christ in this new season of life.

I think of the mercy of God in letting a newlywed couple face some challenges right away:

the loss of my grandma, and then just months later, my grandpa as well
serious health issues (and the ensuing medical bills)
my parents' church of 25 years closing its doors, and the loss of both of their jobs

I think of the myriad transitions and changes:

quitting my job and working creatively out of our home—teaching voice, freelance editing/writing, and tutoring English
Eddie changing jobs
changing my name, address, bank account, church, social circle, car, and even cell phone!

I think of the joy God has given us in so many celebrations:

my brother Jonathan's engagement to Shawna McCarty
the engagements and weddings of seventeen other friends/family members
my sister Katy's high school graduation
getting pregnant with Baby Jeremy

I think of the tangible, measurable ways life has calmed down for me:

sleeping better, more peacefully and soundly
having a quieter spirit because I feel so protected and provided for, cared for
learning to say "no" to an out-of-control schedule, learning to prioritize

I think of the ways I see Christ in my husband:

his daily sacrifices to care for me (he gives up so much personally to provide for me; he constantly puts his own needs on the back burner)
his prayers for, with, and over me
his kindness and tender love toward me, patience with me, grace lavished on me
his humble, steady, godly leadership

I feel like I've just scratched the surface. God has been at work, that's for sure, and Eddie and I continually stand in awe to see Him manifested in our life together—in both the sorrows and the joys, the "good" days and the "bad," the plenty and the want.

I don't know how it's possible, but I love my husband much more today than I did ten months ago when I said "I do."

This is a beautiful journey, Baby... Happy ten-month!

How to get a life

2011-06-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Today I'm meditating on Matthew 16:25, where Jesus says,

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Seven questions come to mind as I think about this verse—questions that reveal where I'm at in this life-losing, life-finding process...

How am I trying to “save my life”?
What am I attempting to avoid, spare myself from, get out of?
What/who do I fear losing most?
What/who do I love most? (Same answer as previous one.)
In the course of my day, what irritates or angers me? What gets under my skin? In other words, what perceived “rights” do I think I have and try to protect—getting upset when they’re violated?
What am I stiff-arming God over? Trying to hold on tightly to? Unwilling to yield to Him?
What do I think about the most? What’s the first thing on my mind every morning? Last thing every night?

Lord, teach me how to daily give up my life to You, holding loosely to all that I consider precious and valuable and immeasurably important—so that I may experience Your life, true life, life abundant and unshakeable. Help me joyfully say with Jonathan Edwards,

"God is the highest good of the reasonable creature, and the enjoyment of him is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows. But the enjoyment of God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams, but God is the fountain. These are but drops, but God is the ocean. Therefore it becomes us to spend this life only as a journey towards heaven, as it becomes us to make the seeking of our highest end and proper good, the whole work of our lives, to which we should subordinate all other concerns of life. Why should we labor for, or set our hearts on anything else, but that which is our proper end, and true happiness?"

Bell-point pen

2011-06-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

Confession: I am not a poet. If you've read the handful of poems I've written and posted on this blog, you will readily agree. However, in my attempts to write poetry since I was very young, I've been deeply influenced by the pen of Ruth Bell Graham (wife of Billy Graham). Her poetry captivates me, speaks to my heart, and says so much in so few words. Here are a few selections for your encouragement and reading pleasure...

Spare not the pain
though the way I take
be lonely and dark,
though the whole soul ache,
for the flesh must die
though the heart may break.
Spare not the pain, oh,
spare not the pain.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I looked into your face and knew
that you were true; those clear, deep eyes awoke in me
a trust in you.

I’d dreamt of shoulders broad and straight,
one built to lead;
I met you once and knew that you
were all I need.

You did not have to say a word
to make me feel
that will, completely in control,
was made of steel.

I’d dreamt of dashing love and bold,
life wild with zest;
but when with you my heart was stilled
to perfect rest.

And how? I could not understand,
it seemed so odd:
till on my heart it quietly dawned
– love is of God!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Listen, Lord,
a mother’s praying
low and quiet:
listen, please.
Listen what her tears
are saying,
see her heart
upon its knees;
lift the load
from her bowed shoulders
till she sees
and understands,
You, Who hold
the worlds together,
hold her problems
in Your hands.

Blog-in-a-book

2011-06-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

I've published a very simple book--a compilation of my blogs written during this first year of marriage. I created this to be a wedding gift for my many sweet friends and family getting married, but you are welcome to it as well if it would be an encouragement to you (or an encouraging gift for your own friends!).

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Chao-singleness-Colleen-Elisabeth/dp/1463617933/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1308942203&sr=8-3

Date at dawn

2011-06-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

This is from another lifetime. Actually, it was just over two years ago, but so much has changed since then. I penned this in the midst of a "desperate season," when I was deeply broken and Christ was increasingly precious to me. It was a sweet Spring: in my brokenness, my heart was especially tender to the Word and hungry for these early-morning alone times. I love how the Lord writes our life in seasons, don't you? Some seasons are longer than others. Some harder, some sweeter. Most a mix of both. This blog reminds me of God's faithfulness during one such season of my life...

April 3, 2009

It's 6:01 on Friday morning, and I'm at my neighborhood Panera Bread in the heights of Redlands. These days I get up between 4:30 and 5:00 to make it here by the time the doors open. My Bible and C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain sit beside my cup of coffee.

There's a group of old men that beats me to the door every morning. (One of them drives a red PT Cruiser and dresses as if he'll be attending the Santa Anita horse races this afternoon. I wonder what he looks like without that hat on.) The men take up the two tables by the door and talk for hours on end.

Another old man sits by himself a few tables away and reads through his Coke-bottle glasses. He carries a manila folder with a big superman-like S drawn on the front. I'd like to know what's in that folder.

Then there's a quiet Asian woman whose hair is always pulled back into a ponytail and who reads her Bible and journals--and then slips out quietly around 6:45. Once or twice a week, six medical doctors convene at the big conference table in the middle of the restaurant. They eat bagels and talk about important stuff.

The classical music doesn't start playing until about 6:15, just about the time one of the Panera employees pulls the cafe umbrellas outside. But I don't think I've ever seen anyone sitting outside this early in the morning. It's too cold. Too dark.

Of all the Panera regulars, my two favorites are about to walk through the door: two Redlands High girls whom I became friends with in this corner of the restaurant last Monday morning. I wonder if any of the students at our school would, of their own volition, get up and go sit at a coffee shop at 6:30 in the morning?

The periwinkle sky has just caught my eye, and it looks like the midnight's lighthearted storm left behind some billowy remains. It's beautiful. Everything is wet and cloudy and peaceful. Just what my heart needs before my day full of responsibilities that far exceed my capabilities.

Which is why my favorite part of Panera is the part that's unseen and indescribable. Unbeknownst to everyone around me, there's someone else at my table with me. I walk in here every morning in desperate need of more than just coffee. (Although that's pretty important, too.) I need Him. His words. His truth. His hope. His wisdom. I need to lay my day before Him and ask Him for His strength and joy.

And He gives it in abundance. He's not stingy or aloof or grumpy. He's eager to accomplish His purposes in and through me--if I'll only let Him, ask Him, wait for Him to do just that.

I want to be a regular with Jesus. I want to know what He's like and what He's up to each day. I want to sit and observe and listen and learn. And then do. I want to go from here and obey what He's spoken to my heart.

Thank You, Lord, for this little corner. This healing place. This daily cup of joy...

A pregnant pause

2011-06-21T01:39:00.000-07:00

I haven’t had time to write for a while, but a good bout of late-night indigestion is the catalyst for this blogging session.

My doctor appointments are every two weeks now. That’s exciting, like a rite of passage for a pregnant woman: we’re officially in the homestretch! But aren’t these prenatal appointments funny? I so badly want to order my own set of those urine test strips (I can dip those into my urine at home, thank you very much). And am I not adept at using a measuring tape? I can measure my own belly too! Okay, so the heart monitor isn’t exactly accessible, but what about the scales I have at home in our bathroom? I’m convinced I could test my urine, measure my belly, and weigh myself with just as much efficiency as, if not more than, my nurse and doctor.

But then there’s something so special about those appointments, isn’t there? Maybe it’s knowing there’s a cup of pee in a baggie stashed in my purse, like a secret password or entry code. Or maybe it’s sitting quietly in the waiting room with other burgeoning bellies, everyone trying to guess how far along the girl next to her is. Perhaps it’s even the cold doctor’s office with the wall full of baby pictures and birth announcements…

~ ~ ~

I went to David’s Bridal last week to figure out what size bridesmaid dress to order for my brother’s wedding—which happens to be on my due date. Yes, you’re allowed to suck air and then laugh along with us. I’ll either be waddling down that aisle in a purple tent, or I’ll be squeezing the processional in-between baby feedings. Or, worst-case scenario: I’ll be delivering at the hospital and watching the wedding on video later. I love knowing that God is sovereign over the days and details of our lives. He will have us right where he wants us on that very special August day.

~ ~ ~

I recently read a blog that (rightly) declared most blogs to be narcissistic. It made me once again pray through and consider what I write about here. I suppose detailing my pregnancy like this is a bit self-absorbed. But then, there’s beauty and magic to be found in the everyday happenings of life, isn’t there? I definitely don’t want to indulge in self-worship, and my life is definitely not that interesting, but I don’t want to miss the joys that God grants in the midst of the hardships of life. How do we strike a healthy, God-honoring balance?

So much of life is a balancing act, isn’t it? I’m an extremist, so moderation is a difficult but worthwhile pursuit for me. Lord, give me your wisdom.

~ ~ ~

The nearness and reality of Jeremy’s arrival is creating an intense anticipation in Eddie and me, as we haven’t felt up until this point. This seven-week countdown has actually intensified more than just my anticipation: my emotions, my nesting instinct, my energy level, my questions, my dreams, and my belly are growing with each day. Lots of people have advice and experiences to share with us, and we treasure (and need) the input, but in the end—it’s a faith adventure, isn’t it? We don’t know what awaits us. We don’t even know if Jeremy will be born alive and healthy. We don’t know what will be required of us to raise him in the fear of the Lord. There are no guarantees apart from the promises we have in Christ.

I’m not the best wife, and I know I won’t be the best mother, but I am “hidden in Christ,” the Best of the best! Tonight Eddie and I read in Jeremiah 32 that God “rejoices in doing us good” (see Scripture below). In fact, He says, “I will not turn away from doing good to them.” The psalmist echoes this in Psalm 119:68 when he says to God: “You are good, and what You do is good.” And He "works all things together for good"--even my inadequacies, shortcomings, and failures!

Baby Jeremy is a gift that God has given us for 33 weeks. He may give us 33 more years, or He may choose to take him before then. I’m sure there will be seasons of sorrow and seasons of joy in parenting, as there is in all of life, but as George Muller said when his wife of 39 years died,

“I am satisfied with the will of my Heavenly Father…. God himself has done it; we are satisfied with him.”

Indigestion, doctor appointments, weddings and due dates, life and death are all safely held in the hand of a sovereign and good God. Lord, teach my heart to sweetly submit and surrender to Your will, which is always good.

And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:38-41

"The main door by which the devil comes"

2011-06-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

Reading this quote is like holding up a mirror to my heart...

"Spiritual pride is the main door by which the devil comes into the hearts of those who are zealous for the advancement of Christianity. It is the chief inlet of smoke from the bottomless pit, to darken the mind and mislead the judgment. It is the main source of all the mischief the devil introduces, to clog and hinder a work of God.

"Spiritual pride tends to speak of other persons’ sins with bitterness or with laughter and levity and an air of contempt. But pure Christian humility rather tends either to be silent about these problems or to speak of them with grief and pity. Spiritual pride is very apt to suspect others, but a humble Christian is most guarded about himself. He is as suspicious of nothing in the world as he is of his own heart. The proud person is apt to find fault with other believers, that they are low in grace, and to be much in observing how cold and dead they are and to be quick to note their deficiencies. But the humble Christian has so much to do at home and sees so much evil in his own heart and is so concerned about it, that he is not apt to be very busy with other hearts. He is apt to esteem others better than himself.”

Jonathan Edwards, Works (Edinburgh, 1979), I:398-400. Style updated.

Healthy, honey-sweetened cacao almond iced drink!

2011-06-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

As you can imagine, living sugar-free is just a bit challenging in our society. Sugar shows up in practically everything! With a raging sweet-tooth, I've done a bit of homework and experimentation to come up with some yummy desserts that have natural sweeteners (honey, agave, and grade A/B maple syrup). Here's one of my favorite concoctions that has also become one of Eddie's nightly requests (which is always affirming!).

Ingredients

Cacao powder (fat-free, caffeine-free, sugar-free!)

Honey

Unsweetened almond milk (plain or vanilla)

"Dagoba" is actually my preferred brand of cacao powder, but this is easier to find.

Directions

In a saucepan, slowly heat about 2 cups** of almond milk over very low heat as you whisk in 3 heaping tablespoons** of cacao powder. Once powder is fully dissolved, add honey to taste. (I add the smallest amount of honey--I like this drink dark and a bit on the bitter side.)

Pour over ice and enjoy!

**Adapt measurements to taste. I like my drinks rich, but you can tone this down! Just remember that the ice dilutes it a little...

Seventeen years later...

2011-06-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

Photography by Lorelei Conover.

My sister Kates was born when I was 17, a senior in high school. I was in the delivery room when the doctor announced "It's a girl!" and I cried for joy. Katy was just 10 months old when I wore a funny hat and walked the aisle to receive my high school diploma. Somehow seventeen years has eluded me, and last night found me teary-eyed with joy again--this time as I watched my "baby sister" wear that same funny hat and receive her own diploma.

Kates had the arduous task of giving a one-minute speech at her graduation (as did all 20 graduates; it's tradition). What do you say in one minute?! I was so blessed by how she used her brief time that I asked if I could post her speech here, not only to share with you but also so I could reread and enjoy it all over again. Here are her 60 seconds...

“A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.” Matthew 13:3-9

The “good soil” God planted me in is a family that is dedicated to serving Christ. Having grown up with that influence from parents and siblings -- in everything from studies to play -- is a humbling blessing. As I grow and, by God’s grace walk in the good works He has prepared for me -- be they thirty, sixty or a hundredfold -- I will always know that God used the good soil of my family to help grow me into the person I was created to be in Christ Jesus.

“And now we thank You, our God, and praise Your glorious name.” 1 Chronicles 29:13

There are so many ways I could boast in Katy. She's servant-hearted like few people I have ever known; she's humble; she's tall and beautiful; she's a phenomenal writer; she can out-bake me any day; she tested "post-high-school" in most academic subjects when she was still in elementary school; and she's kind and thoughtful and wise beyond her age. But the greatest thing I could say about my dear sister is that she loves and trusts her Lord with all her heart. She has walked through deep valleys and experienced sufferings that could have hardened her heart. But she has chosen to walk by faith and trust a sovereign God who is doing "abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine" in and with her life.

And now I've overstepped my sisterly bragging rights and should simply conclude, "I love you, Kates, and I couldn't be prouder of you."

Emotions: blessing or weakness?

2011-06-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Excerpted from Debra Evans' Blessing Your Husband.

"At face value, being a woman is, at least in a biological sense, considerably more complicated and challenging than being a man. But over the years I have discovered there is a fascinating advantage in my complexity: When I am at my weakest, I can trust the Lord to be strong. What some might associate with weakness has become one of the things that makes me most resilient, more open to what God can do. Moments of discomforting physical and emotional vulnerability often have brought my faith a genuine expectancy; increased sensitivity to surrounding circumstances, even on difficult days, has repeatedly led me into intimate fellowship with God. When combined with appropriate self-care, this not-always-comfortable aspect of my nature has often been not only a blessing for me, but also for my husband. The spiritual growth prompted by my regularly recurring peaks and valleys benefits both David and me, though at the time we may be loathe to admit it. Typically, it's only in retrospect, long after a difficult bout with some cyclically induced hormonal event, that I look back and see how these uniquely feminine lessons touched our marriage in some positive way.

'It is sometimes thought that the emotions are the governing power of our nature,' notes Hannah Whitall Smith. 'But I think all of us know, as a matter of practical experience, that there is something within us, behind our emotions and our wishes, an independent self, that, after all, decides everything and controls everything. Our emotions belong to us, and are suffered and enjoyed by us, but they are not ourselves; and if God is to take possession of us, it must be into this central will or personality that He enters.'

This is it! The key to unlocking the secret of knowing God's strength in the midst of our weaknesses is choosing to reach out to our Savior for help and direction when we are tempted to cling to our concerns instead. It is not in denying who we are, the amount of stress we're under, or how we feel, but doing what we can to become healthy while believing the Lord is present, available, and interested in every aspect of our being."

"Just friends" in a culture of confusion (and the God who redeems our messes)

2011-06-06T18:44:00.001-07:00

I’ll admit, I’m scared to write about this. In fact, I’ve attempted this blog numerous times, but it’s been difficult for me to wrap my arms around it; to adequately express my own failures while fairly discussing how the failures of others deeply impacted me; and to bring it all full circle, back to the goodness and sovereign purposes of God in my life.

So let me begin with the obvious, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling…

As a woman, I’m a responder. I was created to respond to a man’s initiative and leadership. Regardless of whether our society deems this a popular or scandalous idea, I find it beautiful, biblical, and unarguable. Throughout history and throughout Scripture, we clearly see this to be true.

So what happens when we women “play” at this role of responding? What happens when lines get fuzzy and roles become unclear between men and women?

This brings me to the much-afeared topic-at-hand: guy friendships.

There’s probably a lot of material out there that addresses this issue much better than I ever could, a lot of people who have much more wisdom and counsel than I can offer. But what I share here is simply my own journey, with lessons I learned along the way. If it resonates with your own heart and encourages you in the midst of some confusion or discouragement, well—that would make it all worth it.

During my single years, I think there was a part of me that felt a deep need for male relationships: in fact, guy interaction, attention, and affirmation seemed to fill a void created by my singleness. Because I grew up with two brothers, I found guy friendships easier and even more enjoyable than girl friendships. I loved baseball games, practical jokes, witty humor, and war movies. I could banter with the best of them and hold a deep theological conversation. I truly loved my guy friends.

Some of this was natural and healthy; some of it was unhealthy.

I eventually came to recognize some problematic patterns in my more intimate guy friendships: I allowed myself to become a confidante, an intimate counselor, an encourager, a loyal companion, and almost a “helpmeet” to a series of guys who, at one point or another, expressed interest in me or pursuit of me, but either lost interest along the way or—changed their mind? I don’t know. Lulled into a sense of security by our friendship, I responded to their initiative outside of any solid commitment from them. Not surprisingly, this ended poorly every time.

(One of my guy friendships prompted a roommate to ask me, “If he were to propose to you in the next few days, would you be ready to say yes?” WHAT?! How did I let a friendship go that far?)

My husband Eddie is passionate about the role of men. He often says that a man who claims to love God but who “takes advantage” of his sisters in Christ (i.e., doesn’t lead in defining a relationship and guarding a woman’s heart; enjoys the benefits of a friendship—be they emotional or physical—without commitment; and has girl relationships that would need to change drastically when he marries) is not an honorable man; he does not represent Christ well. From Eddie’s perspective, to ignore the very essence of godly, biblical manhood (leading and protecting women as Christ does the Church) is no small problem.

But this problem is rampant in our culture. And oddly enough, in my own experience, I found it to be more of a problem in Christian circles than in secular circles. Non-Christian guys straight-up asked me out. Christian guys could treat me like a girlfriend without ever defining any intentions.

By my early thirties, I had experienced many such undefined relationships, and I was truly weary of the toll it took on my heart to wade through the confusion, try to interpret the meaning of guys’ words and actions—and still end up feeling like an idiot for getting emotionally involved. (But didn’t a godly man just take me out to dinner, cover the tab, look deep into my eyes and say sweet things to me, and end the night with prayer? Am I going crazy?!)

Let me stop here and clarify two things: first, these guys were great guys and I know they didn’t mean to mislead me. They probably had the best of intentions. I risked my time and emotions only because they appeared to be excellent men who loved the Lord and had first-rate marriageable qualities. They were genuinely good guys. Second, I was part of the problem. I was at fault for allowing myself to stay in those situations as long as I did. I could have drawn clearer boundaries for myself; I should have discerned sooner and spoken up more boldly. I was guilty of encouraging and even nurturing these friendships. I clung to sentimental hope apart from any commitment.

But despite my own failures and the failures of these men, I know the Lord didn’t waste any of those years, friendships, or hard lessons—and I value and treasure my husband all the more because of it. I’ve told Eddie again and again that he left all those other guys in the dust. The backdrop of my disappointments and disillusionments only served to spotlight God’s lavish and glorious provision of Eddie.

One of the things that immediately impressed me about Eddie was how he interacted with girls. (If you want a good measure of a man’s character, watch how he treats women.) He wasn’t best friends with them. He had clear boundaries and was obviously not playing the field. He kept tabs on how long his conversations were with girls and cut them off at a certain point. (He still does this. It may sound drastic, but it leaves no room for questions or misunderstandings.) On this side of marriage, it’s an amazing gift to be able to trust my husband around other girls. The purity and purposefulness he was practicing before we even met, has resulted in great peace and trust within our marriage today.

I wish I’d known of an Eddie from the beginning so I could have identified and avoided my guy problems. To put it bluntly, I think I got so used to “boys” that I didn’t know what a “man” was anymore. I feel dumb admitting that. I knew I was weary of guy friendships, but until Eddie came along, I couldn’t have explained why! He took the pressure off me, didn't make me play the guessing game, gave clear leadership, guarded my heart, and didn't require me to "give signals" (whatever that is anyway) or respond apart from his commitment to me. Praise the Lord!

Hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? It’s all so clear to me now, on this side of marriage, and I have to shake my head at some of the decisions I made and red flags I overlooked during those years. I was truly wanting to do what was right and to give some great guys a chance, open up my heart (and not be a brick wall as one guy friend had accused me of being!), and not be afraid of risking some hurt along the way. (Risking and hurt are always part of any relationship.) I asked godly friends and family for input and I cried out to God for help and wisdom. But perhaps my felt need for male relationships complicated things? Or maybe I simply needed to experience the mess and maze of those friendships in order to be broken and humbled and prepared for one incredible man to arrive on the scene.

Our culture breeds confusion in our male-female relationships, doesn’t it? That’s why I risk sharing all of this. Maybe you are a single girl who is smack-dab in the middle of the pressure-cooker, and it helps to hear that you’re not crazy! You’re made to respond, but you’re called to guard your heart until a man of integrity comes to proclaim his commitment to you and lead you into a godly relationship.

And, yes, it may get a little messy along the way, but God has indescribable good in store for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Genesis 50:10, Romans 8:28). He loves to redeem our messes. He loves to write stories that show His strength in our weakness.

The Visit

2011-06-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I drag this short film out of hiding. It's quirky and colorful, indeed a bit strange, but I love its message of tender kindness toward needy people.

We didn't win any awards at the film festival we entered with this short (couldn't even break into the finals), but if it brightens your day a little, it was worth it!

Are you laughing?

2011-05-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm naturally a stresser.

In other words, I seem to enjoy laying awake during the middle of the night, worrying about things I can't control. I get my kicks from borrowing tomorrow's troubles. And sometimes I can have an anxious heart without even knowing why.

So I pray I can learn and live Proverbs 31:25: "She laughs at the time to come." A few years ago I wrote a poem inspired by both this Scripture and a crazy week. Today I needed the reminder...

She laughs

She laughs.
And all while the papers keep piling,
There’s way too much filing;
Justin stuck gum on his desk.
Her car needs new tires,
A good set of pliers
Would help fix the tub’s leaky mess.
Her phone keeps on ringing;
Tomorrow morning she’s bringing
Juice and bagels for Period 1.
Her love life? You’re kidding.
She’s waiting (though not sitting)
Till God’s Mr. Right comes along.

She laughs.
At the future, the days yet to come.
And she won’t come undone
In the pushing and pulling.
For the secret to laughter,
Is found in Hereafter
And living to please only One.

My friend Karen (left) models Proverbs
31:25 so beautifully for me, so I stole her
picture and posted it without her knowing.
I hope she's still laughing when she realizes
it...

A socially admired insanity (and the two-letter word that cures it)

2011-05-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

It's such a hard word.

I mean, I’m the nerdy Word Girl—teaching English, editing books, and looking up words in the dictionary just for fun. Words like widdershins, nudnik, quaggy, and scrofulous give me goose bumps. Misspelled and incorrectly used words reduce me to tears (okay, not quite…but almost). And one of the many things that attracted me to my husband was his impressive vocabulary. We actually enjoy throwing big, fancy words into our everyday conversations.

But this word—this word is short and seemingly simple. Yet it’s taken me years to grasp it, embrace it, and say it!

Have you already guessed? The word is… “No.”

Ah! Such a difficult word! Such a party-pooping, relationship-killing, disappointing little word for us people-pleasers.

Being the forever “Yes Girl,” I spent years suffering from a “no” deficit. But I’m discovering that you can never truly say yes until you are free to say no. I’m also finding that relationships get healthier and happier when there’s freedom to use that magic two-letter word.

I’ll admit, it’s gotten a little easier to say in the past year and a half, thanks to God’s amazing grace and one amazing man. When Eddie walked into my life, I was a social butterfly spinning out of control. And for the most part, I loved it! I thrived on my insane schedule and ever-growing social circle of wonderful friends and acquaintances. On the one hand, I was blessed and enriched by these many relationships and activities during my years of singleness; on the other hand, I was stretched way too thin, and I think my pride was fed by having so many “people to see, places to go.”

Not only socially, but also occupationally I overextended myself. I was passionate about my work, so I became a prime candidate for taking on myriad extra responsibilities and wearing so many hats that I could have opened my own millinery shop. I loved what I did, but I did too much. I really tried to say “n-n-n-nooooo,” but my people-pleasing heart usually slapped a hand over my mouth before the scary little word could ever come out.

I slept very little in those days in order to keep up with my life. I started getting sick more often, and I saw telltale signs of “emotional burn-out.”

The Lord forced me to take stock of my pace and priorities, motivating me by my desire to make time for Eddie. (It probably wouldn’t have gone over very well if I’d said to my new boyfriend, “I think I can squeeze you into my schedule three weeks from now, between 5:00 and 7:00 p.m.”) Through this re-evaluation process, I began to see how habitually I said “yes” to people and opportunities when really I needed to say “no.” I started to identify specific unhealthy habits: responding emotionally to requests; being motivated by my desire to please people; and doing things in my own strength, not the Lord’s. Thanks to Eddie and one of my best friends, I also realized that I gave a vast majority of my time to ministry-oriented relationships and short-changed my dearest relationships with family and close friends. I was quickly becoming a “ministry machine” and neglecting to find safe places to let my hair down, be vulnerable and broken, and feel needy. I was giving, giving, giving—but I’d forgotten how to receive. The solution wasn’t to stop ministering; it was to seek the Lord’s heart for a beautiful balance: when to say “yes” and when to say “no,” regardless of who it pleased or upset. (Gulp.)

And it did upset some people. Others extended lavish grace to me as I made drastic changes to my schedule and lifestyle.

Two of my best friends serve as missionaries in remote third-world countries with their husbands and children, and they both say how shocking (even overwhelming) it is to return to the States and the pace of life we all keep...and consider completely normal. I so appreciate their perspective, and it makes me wonder—maybe our bleeding calendars are not a sign of a successful, fruitful life but rather of insanity. A socially admired insanity, true, but insanity nonetheless.

Marriage has intensified my resolve to learn how to say no when needed and to lead a simpler, less-frenzied life. But Eddie and I both realize that in our culture, this resolution will probably need to be renewed regularly for the rest of our lives. There will always be more needs, opportunities, activities, and relationships than we can keep up with—and that easily distract us from what is most important in life.

Exodus 33:14-16 speaks to my heart so beautifully on this issue:

And [God] said, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.’ And [Moses] said to Him, ‘If Your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.

‘For how shall it be known that I have found favor in Your sight, I and Your people? Is it not in Your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and Your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?’

Rest.

Distinct.

Presence.

In my well-intentioned busyness, am I rushing ahead of the Lord, going where He’s not leading?

Do my unbelieving friends and acquaintances look at my life and sense God’s presence with me—or do they see a super-busy good girl?

Are my priorities clearly ordered by my God, or are they muddled in the tyranny of the urgent?

Am I at rest (because I’m going in God’s presence and strength)? Or am I exhausted and stressed (because I’m going in my own strength)?

I love what I’m learning, and I am so thankful that God is patient with me as He teaches me how to “be still and know that He is God.” How to say no to when necessary so I can wholeheartedly say yes to His plans and priorities!

And now, back to my editing widdershins…

Remember...!

2011-05-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

"But the LORD said to me, 'Do not fear him, for I have given him and all his people and his land into your hand. And you shall do to him as you did to Sihon the king of the Amorites, who lived at Heshbon.'" Deuteronomy 3:2 (emphasis mine)

I love how God points us to previous victories to help us in our present battles. "Remember, child?" He seems to whisper to our hearts. "Remember how you did it before? Remember how faithful I was to do what I promised?"

And then He calls us to move forward by faith. "Do not fear" He says over and over again throughout Scripture. And why not? Because He is there, and just as He has been faithful in the past, He will be faithful in the present and the future.

Deuteronomy 3:22 continues, "You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you."

Perhaps today's fear is a small one. Or maybe your circumstances are close to terrifying. Whatever the battle that creates an anxious heart in us, God is strong and faithful to fight for us. He has been for us all along; why would today be any different? Dear friends, let's remember how He helped us win yesterday's battle... and then trust Him for victory in today's!

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23

Our Wedding Day

2011-05-17T20:50:00.001-07:00

Eddie + Colleen Trailer from Adept Eye on Vimeo.

Because we chose to have a very small wedding (43 guests to be exact!), we were extremely grateful for an amazing photographer and videographer who would allow us to share our special day with everyone.

For our engaged friends (all 14 of you!): If you're in the market for a videographer, we highly recommend Robert Alorro! (http://www.adepteye.com)

Enjoy!

No pain, no gain.

2011-05-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

I get a little obsessive when it comes to research. So when my three years of health problems and recurring painful intestinal bouts reached a fever pitch in pregnancy a few months ago, I spent inordinate amounts of time researching online (not to mention visiting multiple doctors and a homeopathic specialist). I've spent day after day in indescribable pain, without the aid of painkillers—and despite my pregnant woman’s appetite, I've come to dread the idea of food and eating. I was already gluten-free and dairy-free pre-pregnancy (from my three previous years of health issues and research), and I ate healthier than almost anyone I knew, but it seemed that with pregnancy, every bite I put into my mouth resulted in pain. So in order to function, to simply be able to eat, I researched. And researched. And researched some more…

I’ve learned some very good lessons and acquired a lot of incredible information in my quest for relief, help, and solid answers: (1) I know my body better than anyone. (2) I, along with my amazing husband, have to be my own health advocate. (3) It’s a matter of experimentation and deduction. (4) There are a lot of unknowns and variables, but the more I learn and discover, the more excited I become! (5) Biocytonics, Hugh Smith, and Ben Talbot are absolutely wonderful (http://biocytonics.com). (6) Pain is very clarifying and liberating—and hard.

This is obviously quite a different blog from my usual fare, but I wish I’d found a blog like this one in all my research. In fact, I found almost no help for pregnant women dealing with serious intestinal issues. And doctor after doctor has told me the same thing: There’s nothing we can do till after pregnancy and nursing. So while I am not offering any medical advice or expertise (that would be scary!), I am offering a personal record of a preggo-in-pain’s journey and discoveries!

Below is a list, in no particular order, of symptoms I've had, deductions I've made, specialist-recommended supplements that have helped, and survival techniques I'm living by! It may or may not prove helpful to you (if you also suffer from intestinal pain, especially during pregnancy), but if it helps even one other woman, I'd be thrilled!

My symptoms

Immeasurable intestinal pain with the beginning of my second trimester—perhaps, one source said, because of new influx of hormones (which also line intestines!). Usually one bad bout a day, but some days pain lasts all day long; other days pain is only in morning or only late afternoon and evening.

Sweats and chills accompany the worst bouts.

Several rounds of violent throwing up and tremors toward middle and end of second trimester (did not match timing and descriptions of "morning sickness" and seemed to follow consumption of raw veggies and watermelon).

Multiple bouts of diarrhea in the morning (till I started on fiber pills).

Exhaustion following intense pain.

I almost always get sick when we eat out—no matter how diligent my husband and I are to ask the poor waiter for every ingredient in the meal. Not sure if it's the processed junk, preservatives, or what, but I've learned to pack my own food wherever we go and risk looking like a dork!

My deductions and observations

Walking and moderately working out at the gym have helped to alleviate pain.

Specific foods that exacerbate pain: gluten products, dairy products (eggs are fine), processed meats, all processed sugars (but pure maple syrup, honey and agave are great), salsas, red meat, soy products, raw veggies, watermelon, and any packaged food with a long list of ingredients!

Safe foods: artichokes (one medium artichoke has more fiber than a cup of prunes; it aids the digestive system and is a natural diuretic), bananas (they can also contribute to pregnancy constipation, but I'm okay with my high-fiber pills), oatmeal, homemade gluten-free/dairy-free baked goods and casseroles, dried fruit (no sugar added), juice-sweetened corn flakes, potatoes, cooked veggies (brussels sprouts, broccoli, carrots, etc.), turkey burgers, chicken, nuts, apples, rice-based products, peanut butter, agave lemonade, fruits, almond milk, and minimally-processed packaged foods sold at health-food stores like Clark's.

I live by my rice-pillow heating pad (thank you, Sarah Sue Robinson!) and hot showers feel soooo good and help to bring relief. Getting cold or chilled seems to worsen my pain or trigger bouts.

Eating multiple smaller meals throughout the day, as opposed to three bigger ones, has helped a lot.

Guzzling water, guzzling water, guzzling lots of water!

Eating a high-fiber diet (in addition to fiber pills).

Reintroducing coffee (decaf) in second semester of pregnancy helped--strangely enough! However, I drink water before and after so I don’t get too acidic.

Regularly testing my urine for acidity/alkalinity levels. Once I became consistently alkaline, I noticed an improvement in my health. This has taken a lot of conscious effort to make sure my meals have a good balance of both acidic and alkaline foods. (Eating only alkaline foods would lead to a negative imbalance of a different kind...)

Exhaustion seems to contribute to a more painful day. Good nights of sleep and resting throughout the day have been key.

I can have a "good week," followed by a "bad week." Nothing predictable or consistent. It's bizarre!

My supplements (Thanks to my blood/homeopathic specialist! Visit http://biocytonics.com.)

Apple cider vinegar

Probiotics (160 billion organisms per day)

Colostrum (bovine)

Full-spectrum enzymes

Fiber pills (gluten-free, pregnancy-safe; thanks to my mom and hubby for helping me track this one down!)

Daily regime: Colostrum, enzymes, fruit-sweetened corn flakes with almond milk, hot shower to help digestion. Apple cider vinegar and fiber pills. Second serving of breakfast (usually raw protein bars or some other GF baked good I’ve made). Probiotic. Enzymes with lunch. Prenatals. Second dose of colostrum before dinner. Enzymes with dinner. Heating pad. Fiber pills. Second probiotic before bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the sweetest, most amazing aspects of this whole journey through pain has been Baby Jeremy's health and activity! He seems unaffected by my bouts, pain, and even inability to consume/digest a "normal" amount of food. Our dear Abba has preserved his life thus far! What an incredible blessing...

I've also been blessed to realize that "we eat to live, we don't live to eat." Being so restricted in my diet, and being unable to eat out at restaurants, has revealed to me so much about my heart, my idolatry of food, and my need to wholly surrender this area to my Lord.

Finally, I've been shocked to learn how many people struggle with intestinal issues--including some of you, my dear family and friends. One report I read predicted that every American will eventually suffer from serious intestinal problems. A bit exaggerated to be sure, but worth the consideration and proactive research!

If you've read this far, I'm sure you're one of just a few—and probably only because you're as desperate as I have been to research and learn so you can eventually eat pain-free! Aren't you glad these bodies are not our permanent ones? We are just "passing through" this life, and if we know Jesus, one day we will exchange these frail forms for perfect, eternal, pain-free bodies. I can't wait!

Show and Tell... or Hide and Seek?

2011-05-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

These days no one notices anything about me but my belly. If I really wanted people to look at my face, I'd have to tack a picture of it onto my shirt. Other body parts are equally lost in the ever-increasing bulge we endearingly call Baby Jeremy.

So in some ways, modesty will be easier than ever for me this summer. I mean, what guy's gonna check-out a waddling, huffing and puffing, nine-month pregnant girl, right? I can wear anything I want...

Or can I? Humorously enough, I'm still holding my Annual Modesty Conference with myself and Jesus—a yearly reevaluation of my wardrobe and my heart. This year, my husband is a keynote speaker at the conference, addressing my specific clothing questions: "Is this top alright, Babe?" and "Is this skirt too short, Hon?" and "What about these shorts?"

Don't you wish you had clear-cut answers to the questions of modesty? A once-and-for-all measurement for what's modest and what's not. But then, we wouldn't need to seek our Father's heart and examine our own, would we? A formula, or a once-size-fits-all approach, would rob us of living by faith.

At 35 years old, I still find myself in a semi-depressed funk at the end of a shopping excursion—trying to find just one pair of shorts that aren't scandalously short, but that aren't completely dorky either. Looking for a summer top that covers your boobs? Maybe it's just a Southern California thing, but all the stores seem to be fresh out.

Over time, I've heard quite a few girls scoff at the idea of modesty, declaring men to be disgusting perverts who should learn to control their eyes and thoughts. To be fair, let me propose a parallel: If a good-looking guy wrote you insanely romantic love letters, wined and dined you, and daily told you how beautiful and charming you are—and then scolded you when you became emotionally involved ("You should guard your heart better," he chides), wouldn't that be just a tad frustrating?

Same idea: You can't flaunt your stuff and then tell a guy to stop wrestling with those thoughts...

But you know all this already. And so do I. Yet we girls continue to struggle with this issue, to indulge our vanity and pride with "show-and-tell" clothing. Or maybe we don't flaunt it, but we push the envelope. Or maybe we don't even push the envelope, but our heart is full of the wrong intentions and motivations.

I'm not blogging about this because I have any easy or satisfying answers—for myself or for anyone else. But wouldn't you agree that this issue definitely starts in our hearts? If my heart's cry is to honor and show Jesus in every facet of my life, I have to honestly ask myself, "Does my wardrobe honor Him?" Or does it feed my vanity, my longing to feel beautiful, my desire for attention, and my competitive spirit with other girls? Do I have a divided heart, trying to serve two masters? (According to Matthew 6:24, that doesn't work out so well.)

Men of integrity, who are committed to purity, already have to fight hard enough in our flesh-flaunting culture. (I really don't know how they do it, especially in summertime.) So why would we, as Christian women, add to their struggle? I know I have been guilty of this myself, and it breaks my heart.

I wonder: when men think of me, do they immediately think of my body? Or do they think of my countenance and character? Lord, let them think of You when they think of me! Let me hide (the important parts) and seek (Your heart).

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

Loving each other amid differences

2011-05-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

Six Biblical Guidelines for Loving Each Other Amid Differences

By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org

1. Let’s avoid gossiping.

The New Testament warns against gossiping. The Greek word translated “gossip” meanswhisper or whisperer. In other words, the focus is not on the falsehood of the word but on the fact that it needs to be surreptitious. It is not open and candid and forthright. It has darkness about it. It does not operate in the light of love. It is not aiming at healing. It strokes the ego’s desire to be seen as right without playing by the rules of love.

For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find...that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder. (2 Corinthians 12:20)

2. Let’s identify evidences of grace in each other and speak them to each other andabout each other.

The church in Corinth was deeply flawed. But Paul found reason to thank God for them because of “the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus” (1 Corinthians 1:4). The most flawed pastor on this staff—and we are all flawed—is a work of grace. It honors Christ, and keeps criticism in perspective, to see it and say it often.

3. Let’s speak criticism directly to each other if we feel the need to speak to others about it.

The point is not that we will always agree on everything, especially the practical application of shared principles. Paul’s word in Romans 12:18 is, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” It may not be possible, but we should try.

4. Let’s look for, and assume, the best motive in the other’s viewpoint, especially when we disagree.

When Paul deals with disagreement in Romans 14, one of the things he appeals to is that those with opposite practical convictions have identical heart-motives. “The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God” (Romans 14:6). Christ-honoring passions, Paul says, can unite us in spite of differences of application.

5. Think often of the magnificent things we hold in common.

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, “Great is the Lord!” (Psalm 40:16)

To mention a few things we hold in common: the Elder Affirmation of Faith, the sovereignty of God, the supremacy of his glory in all things, the majesty and meekness of Christ, the all-sufficiency of his saving work, the precious and very great promises summed up in Romans 8:28 and 8:32, the value and sweetness of the Bible, the power and patience of the Holy Spirit in transforming us, the hope of glory, a profound biblical vision of manhood and womanhood, a common global mission to see the nations know Christ...

6. Let’s be more amazed that we are forgiven than that we are right. And in that way, let’s shape our relationships by the gospel.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.... And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us. (Ephesians 4:32–5:2)

“The one who is forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47). In other words, think more of your own sins and how amazing it is that God saved you than you do about the other person’s flaws.

To the childless woman (who longs to be a mom)

2011-05-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin to imagine the unspeakable anguish of infertility, miscarriage, or a stillborn child. But many of you, my sweet friends, have suffered these very sorrows.

On this weekend set aside to celebrate mothers, I'd like to celebrate you, your faith, your perseverance through pain. I long to acknowledge you in the midst of what must be a very difficult annual holiday--a reminder of what you so badly want and what God has thus far withheld.

Although Eddie and I have not suffered as you have, to a small degree I can understand your unfulfilled longings to be a mom. Because I was 34 when I got married, I well remember the cruelty of desiring to have children--and not being able to. I celebrated countless friends' pregnancies and baby showers and deliveries over the years. I remember one particular shower that pushed me to my limits: I swallowed the sobs that threatened to send me running out of the room.

I clung to Isaiah 54 during those "barren years." In fact, I sang the entire chapter into a mic, recorded it, and listened to it at night as I drifted to sleep. My Abba's words sustained me:

"Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;

   break forth into singing and cry aloud,
   you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
   than the children of her who is married," says the LORD.

"Enlarge the place of your tent,
   and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
   and strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
   and your offspring will possess the nations
   and will people the desolate cities.

"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
   be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
   and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

"For your Maker is your husband,
   the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
   the God of the whole earth he is called.

"For the LORD has called you
   like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
   says your God.
For a brief moment I deserted you,
   but with great compassion I will gather you.
In overflowing anger for a moment
   I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,"
   says the LORD, your Redeemer.

For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married...

Dearest women, the way you have trusted your God through heartache and disappointment has become a beautiful song to all those who know you. Your faith is compelling, and I'm convinced you have too many spiritual children to count--some of whom you will never meet till eternity. You have rejoiced with me in my own pregnancy, and that leaves me speechless. You have invested your unfulfilled longings in ministry to others. You haven't stopped living, hoping, and moving forward. I ache with you, I've shed private tears over you, and I anticipate God's richest blessings on you (and your womb).

I'm a little weepy for you tonight, but I'm praying for grace upon grace to carry you through tomorrow. Your Abba sees and cares (see Exodus 2:24-25, Genesis 16:13, and Isaiah 63:9); He has not forgotten; and He has His glory and your great good wrapped up in this suffering.

May tomorrow be filled with unexpected joys and mercies...

Goodbye, Guilt!

2011-05-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I was wakened, not by sunshine or the sound of an alarm, but by the evil villain Guilt. It's not the first time he's spoiled my day even before it's begun.

All it took was three wonderful messages from friends, sweetly asking for time together. I knew that between my physical limitations and already-packed schedule, I wouldn't be able to commit to any of them.

Guilt laughed. You horrible friend, you!

I went to the kitchen for breakfast, and the two sinks of unwashed dishes reminded me that I’m not quite the housekeeper I was pre-pregnancy-sickness. (I hate leaving dishes overnight.)

Guilt did a little dance. What a lousy homemaker!

Then I began thinking through my day, all that I didn’t accomplish yesterday, the editing deadlines I didn’t make, the thank-you’s I haven’t mailed, the wedding and graduation invitations I haven't RSVP'd to, the calls I haven’t returned, and the ways I could better serve and honor my dear husband. Sure I’ve been sick, but shouldn’t I be able to keep up better?! I used to swing 18- to 20-hour days and survive on very little sleep…

Guilt was having a ball. Can you do anything right, Colleen?

In fact, Guilt seemed to be settling in for the day—and from past experience I knew that a polite request wouldn’t oust him—so I turned to Psalm 130:

“If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.

“O Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.

“And he will redeem Israel  from all his iniquities.”

It’s so true—if God kept a running tab of all my failures, sins, and shortcomings, how could I stand? But with Him is steadfast love and plentiful redemption!

Guilt wants to tally, itemize, and throw back in my face every last one of my failures. But God, through Jesus, has already taken care of my mess. And He is faithful to convict (not condemn or guilt-trip) me as He completes the good work of sanctification that He began. I love the wisdom my mom shared with me many years ago: Guilt piles it on, failure upon failure, countless accusations; Christ graciously identifies just one or two areas at a time for us to work on by the power of His Spirit. In His mercy, He doesn’t show us all of our sin at once!

And He not only understands our limitations, He even designs them for our good! Guilt makes us feel horrible for them; God uses them to teach us and conform us to the likeness of His Son. He has sent me this precious little baby and a lot of sickness and pain to teach me how to lead a quieter life right now, to rest and be still, to be content not producing and performing and pleasing everyone.

So I put my hope in the Lord and in His Word, I wait on Him to do His good work in me, and I deafen my ears to the taunts and jeers of my ruthless enemy Guilt.

Hmmm. Funny thing... I think he left. ☺

Prayer in temptation

2011-04-28T23:24:00.000-07:00

A poem I wrote August 20, 2008. Amazing how temptation never takes a vacation, always wears an outfit appropriate for the occasion, and still takes us by surprise. Eddie always says that unless we're moving forward in Christ, we'll be pulled backward by our flesh and the world. There's no coasting or neutral in the Christian life... Lord, help us fight well, fight long, and fight by the power of Your Spirit.

Make no provision,
Not one small glance:
Shut the door fast
So there’s not a chance
Of compromise,
Of one “small” sin
Or diversions that
Let immoderation in.

It will not do then
To just ignore
The sin that beats
Down on my heart’s door.
Sin must be dealt with,
Ruthlessly killed
Utterly abandoned—
Oh, grant me the will!

The will and the power
To love Your ways,
Hate what You hate
And run to obey.
You are a refuge,
Immovable, strong.
Fountain of pleasures,
Help me desire and long…

For You alone.

The Perfect Man: Coming soon to a theater near you!

2011-04-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

It absolutely amazes me how our husbands (and for that matter, let me just lump in boyfriends and fiancées while I’m at it) bear up under the weight of our girlish expectations. I mean, think about it: They’re supposed to surprise us with flowers, be ever tender and thoughtful, anticipate our needs, glory in how mesmerizing and sexy we are, communicate intimately with us, listen tenderly to our hearts (or at the very least, read our minds), share in our interests, be witty and entertaining, plan wildly romantic dates, be a godly leader everyone looks up to, worship our beauty, never find any other girl even remotely attractive, make an exceedingly good income, and most importantly, have life all figured out and under control.

What?! What are we thinking?! Don’t you get the feeling that we’ve watched a few too many chick flicks?

For years I’ve loved the mantra, “Let man be man and God be God.” In other words, let the guy off the hook, for cryin’ out loud! But the moment we feel like we’ve settled this issue and are able to laugh with maturity at the ridiculous list above, a sneaky new little “want” or demand finds a home in our heart. Suddenly our man must play God in order for us to be happy.

In her book A Man Worth Waiting For, Jackie Kendall boasts that her husband is a wonderful man but admits he makes a horrible God. Elisabeth Elliot elaborates on this in Love Has a Price Tag:

“A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”

Now here’s where I get to boast in my own husband: he’s truly and absolutely amazing. He’s a “ninety-five percent” kinda guy (not just eighty), and I definitely got the better end of the deal when we married. But he’s not perfect. Praise the Lord, he’s not perfect! (Otherwise I’d be constantly intimidated and insecure.) No, as imperfect man and wife, Eddie and I get to journey together, learning and growing and messing up together. Eddie gets to see “Colleen: The Uncut Version,” and I get to see “Eddie Unedited.” What a privilege! No one else will ever know us in the intimate way we know each other—the good, the bad, and the ugly, day in, day out.

One year ago tomorrow, Eddie got down on one knee, held out a sparkly diamond, and said, “Will you marry a sinner like me?” He understood, even before we were married, that we were each choosing someone who fell “short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). He endearingly called us “struggle buddies,” knowing full well that we both would struggle—but together, within a lifelong covenant love.

Credit: Lorelei Conover Photography

Do we really think we’ll be the exception and marry another God incarnate? Nope. On the contrary, we get our perfect match: a sinner like us, redeemed by Jesus!

I have long loved Psalm 118:8: “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man; it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.”

Do I trust my husband? Oh, yes! In fact, I proved my trust in him when I said, “I do” eight months ago and committed my whole life to him. But my ultimate trust and hope is in the Lord. For us girls, this is easier said than done: by default, we like to trust in a man we can see and hear and touch. Trusting in the Lord is an exercise of faith, but boy is it worth it! It takes the pressure off our men and also allows us to be freed from our unrealistic expectations (which in turn makes us happier)!

As a newlywed, I have years of learning ahead of me. I obviously don’t know much just eight months into marriage. But what I do know is that Eddie and I are both works-in-progress, covenant companions on this journey home into Abba's presence. Along the way, we get to lavish each other with mercy and grace (oh, if I could only tell you how much grace Eddie gives me!), overlook a multitude of offenses (see Proverbs 10:12, 17:9, 1 Peter 4:8), and delight in the way God perfectly designed us for each other, our strengths and our weaknesses.

Credit: Lorelei Conover Photography

Worth a thousand words

2011-04-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my talented (and thoughtful and beautiful and generous...) friend Lorie, I get to relive a wonderful, sweltering July 4, 2010--when we laughed our way through a very fun engagement shoot.

(Lorie is absolutely amazing and recently won a prestigious photographer's award. Check out her beautiful site! http://loreleiphotos.com/)

God uses famines

2011-04-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

I originally posted this on my old blog Red Ink and Vibrato in January 2008. Looking back, I'm amazed at how these truths that sustained me in singleness now sustain me in physical pain...

When God sends us a famine, He's preparing for us a feast. He is setting the table. He is moving us to hunger. He is fulfilling His perfect purposes in our lives.

If you are “doing without” right now, if you are in the midst of a famine of any kind, it is only because you have been invited to eat your heart out, to feast your soul on God.

Throughout the Old Testament, we read that God sent famine after famine to move His people: to a better land, to repentance, to receive His blessings, to hate and turn from their sin, to humbly and desperately cry out for Him, and to participate in His glorious purposes. (See, for examples: Genesis 12:10, 26:1, 47:4; Ruth 1:1; 2 Kings 8:1.)

Dear women, if you are:
lonely, alone...
desperately wanting a child but cannot conceive…
in a difficult job situation…
single and longing to be married…
in an unhappy marriage…
sick, in physical pain…
in a season of uncertainty and confusion about the future…
forgotten, overlooked…
struggling financially…
doubting the promise God seemed to speak to your heart years ago…
grieving the loss of a loved one…
dried up spiritually and emotionally…
tired and weary…
reaping the consequences of your sin…
always out of reach of that lifelong dream…
waiting and waiting, with no end in sight…
aching over a loved one’s sin, rejection, rebellion…
helplessly watching a loved one suffer…
feeling inadequate or like a failure…

…then you are ready to feast at God’s banqueting table. I don't say this lightly, but our Lord may be withholding from us the only thing we’ve ever wanted, so that we learn (down deep, to the marrow of our soul) that He alone is more than enough for us. We cannot know all of His purposes, but we do know that He wants us to worship and serve Him alone—with no other gods before Him.

Today, may our hunger pangs drive us to feast richly on the goodness of God, knowing that our "soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food" (Psalm 63:5).

"Why Do I Talk About My Failures?"

2011-04-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've never heard of Dr. Laura Hendrickson before, but I stumbled upon her blog (Gospel Balm Blog) via a recommendation on R.C. Sproul's website. I appreciated this post of hers so much that I had to share it. I think many of you women will relate with her journey toward liberating vulnerability and honesty (not just for the sake of "blapping," but out of a resolve to not give sin a secret stronghold in our lives or live in private condemnation). How beautifully freeing it is when we are real with God and with each other!

Why Do I Talk About My Failures?
by Dr. Laura Hendrickson

I'm sometimes asked why I share stories of personal weakness. It's an especially timely question today, as the Family Life Today interview about my abusive marriage airs. The story of those years displays my folly and the weakness of my faith in graphic detail. Why don't I conceal it?

I lived a lie for many years, pretending that I was a "strong Christian" who never struggled. Because I hid in the shadows of shame, even very close friends didn't know about my suffering, or about my faithless and sinful responses to it.

Many of you are suffering in silence today. You're afraid to let anyone know how messed up your life is. You judge yourself to be an inadequate Christian, and you fear that others would judge you too, if they knew the truth.

I've come out of the shadows to tell you that God loves and chooses failures like you and me. The Bible is chock-full of stories of God's love for strugglers. Let's focus on one of them today: Jacob, later to be known as Israel.

Jacob's Earthly Record Of Failure

Jacob grew up in a dysfunctional family marred by parental favoritism and murderous sibling rivalry. He lied, stole, and manipulated. And yet God met with him for the first time while he was on the run from his brother, suffering the consequences of a sinful choice. God surely didn't choose him because he was living such a righteous life!

Jacob had four wives and twelve children. His own dysfunctional family was marred by not only sibling rivalry and favoritism (of children and wives), but rivalry between wives, rivalry between children, murderous jealousy, rape, fornication, hypocrisy, vengeful mass murder, and incest. Way to raise a godly family, Jacob!

Jacob failed to walk by faith, over and over again. But the Lord didn't give up on him, even though his performance was so abysmal. He was faithful to him: Appearing to him, even wrestling with him. God loved Jacob, and it wasn't because he was doing so well in his walk of faith.

Even near the end of Jacob's life, even after his name has been changed to reflect his growth in faith, Israel was still self-pitying and self-protective. He still had a favorite child, and struggled to trust God with him.

Do you think I'm exaggerating in my summary? Read Genesis 25-50 yourself. It's all in there! But Genesis isn't the only place where Jacob is mentioned.

Jacob's Heavenly Record: By Faith...

Hebrews 11 is known as the "Hall of Faith" chapter. Based upon the record I just summarized, would you expect Jacob to be mentioned? But there he is! Hear the Word of the Lord:
By faith Jacob, when dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, bowing in worship over the head of his staff (verse 21).

Isn't that amazing? After an unflinchingly honest Old Testament portrait of a man who failed in so many ways, Jacob is commended for his... faith!

Is the author of Hebrews lying? Sugar-coating the truth?

The Only Thing That Matters

No, he's teaching us the only thing that ultimately matters. Jacob was a weak, frail sinner. Even after many "mountaintop" encounters with the Lord, he still struggled to walk by faith in the valleys. But the Lord gave him the faith to believe God's promises, and that's what Jacob's commended for.

If you read the "Hall of Faith" chapter, you'll notice that no mention is made of any of the subjects' flaws--even though they had them! Why? Because they had something far more important: The righteousness of Christ, by faith. The Old Testament saints believed that God had promised to provide the righteousness they lacked, and died trusting him for it.

At just the right time, Jesus came in fulfillment of that promise. He lived a life of perfect faith and sinless righteousness in our place, and took the punishment we deserved for our sins. When we're united to him by faith, we're given the credit for his perfection.

Jacob is counted righteous because he has the righteousness of Christ.

My Righteousness Comes From Christ, Too

So why do I tell my stories of personal failure? Because some of you desperately need to hear that I've messed up even worse than you have, and God not only loves me but uses me to minister to others. I'm only righteous because I'm united by faith to Jesus Christ, not because I've been able to live well enough to win God's, and your, approval.

I don't have to live a lie, pretending that I'm perfectly righteous. I really am! I have the righteousness of Christ.

How about you? Everyone isn't called to be as open as I am about their personal failures, but all of us are called to glorify God by acknowledging that we're desperately flawed, and our only hope is Christ's righteousness. How will you do this today?

Agave Lemonade

2011-04-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

My first introduction to agave lemonade was at Clark's Nutrition in Loma Linda. I fell in love at first gulp and felt sooo much better after drinking it than I have with sugar-saturated lemonades in the past (no headaches or sugar crashes with agave!). This recipe is compliments of The Jewish Hostess.

Serves 6

Ingredients
1 cup lemon juice
2/3 cup agave syrup
6 cups water
ice
sliced lemons and limes for garnish

Directions
1. Combine the lemon juice, agave and water in a pitcher.
2. Stir to combine.
3. Pour over ice and serve.

Kneel... Sparkle... "Yes!"

2011-04-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday night brought the best of news to our doorstep. I'm not sure what out-sparkled the other: Jonathan and Shawna's smiles or Shawna's new diamond ring.

The long-anticipated, much-prayed-for moment made me scream (and then cry) with joy. My brother has chosen a girl who exceeds all my prayers and expectations; he could not have found a better wife. And Shawna is getting one of the greatest men in the whole wide world.

But they know all this already: that's why he got down on his knee and she said yes.

In their relationship, Jonathan and Shawna have modeled for us love, contentment, purity, selflessness, compassion, honesty, thoughtfulness, and servanthood. Some of Eddie and my favorite memories have been made with Jonathan and Shawna: from times of prayer in our home to side-splitting laughter on a road trip, we've come to love and respect these two for the classy and godly and fun couple they are.

So in anticipation of their wedding day—and as I pray for their marriage like I pray for my own—I share below some tributes to marriage that have encouraged me as Eddie and I have also begun this wonderful journey. I'm so excited to share this new season of life with my dear brother and his wife—my sister!

Dave Harvey in When Sinners Say I Do
When we begin to orient our marriages around biblical truth, we see something amazing. Marriage was not just invented by God, it belongs to God. He has a unique claim over its design, purpose, and goals. It actually exists for him more than it exists for you and me and our spouses.

That’s right. Marriage is not first about me or my spouse. Obviously, the man and woman are essential, but they are also secondary. God is the most important person in a marriage. Marriage is for our good, but it is first for God’s glory.

How easy it is to act as if husband and wife are the only relevant parties in a marriage. But marriage is ultimately about God. Moreover, marriage is most amazing not because it brings people joy, or allows for a nurturing environment for children, or because it stabilizes society (even thought it does all those things). Marriage is awesome because God designed it to display his glory.

The focus of a thriving marriage is the glory of God.

John Piper in This Momentary Marriage

Staying married is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. “Till death do us part” or “As long as we both shall live” is a sacred covenant promise—the same kind Jesus made with his bride when he died for her. Therefore, what makes divorce and remarriage so horrific in God’s eyes is not merely that it involves covenant-breaking to the spouse, but that it involves misrepresenting Christ and his covenant. Christ will never leave his wife. Ever. There may be times of painful distance and tragic backsliding on our part. But Christ keeps his covenant forever. Marriage is a display of that! That is the ultimate thing we can say about it. It puts the glory of Christ’s covenant-keeping love on display.

Elisabeth D. Dodds on John and Sarah Edwards

When one is falling in love, just to glimpse the other person catches the breath, quickens the pulse. The touch of the precious person brings a rush of response from flesh and heart. To have known such a period is to have lived in the mood of an armistice day after a war (to be totally responsive, with emotion close to the surface). But after marriage comes familiarity. In the case of the Edwardses, familiarity bred respect. The real test of the feeling of one person for another is in the daily encounters, when one must pay bills, carry out the trash, sniffle through a head cold. This period of homely testings disclosed to the couple that they were permanently committed to one another. So they turned now to translating their love into work, into a way of life.

Carolyn Mahaney in Feminine Appeal

Although we are both sinners, God is using our marriage to help us grow in godliness. In fact, our husband’s particular sins, unique weaknesses, and even their idiosyncrasies are tailor-made for us. Likewise, our sins and weaknesses are custom-designed for them. Both husbands and wives will become more Christlike by having to deal with each other’s sins and deficiencies.

We must settle this in our hearts. We married a sinner, and so did they. But this is the hope for our marriage: God forgives sinners and helps us grow to be like Him.

Tim Alan Gardner in Sacred Sex

The essence of sexual intimacy can never be enjoyed, nor can true and lasting sexual fulfillment occur, until a wife and a husband grasp the truth that the number-one purpose of sex is neither procreation nor recreation, but unification. And I don’t mean just the unification that is inherent in physical oneness, but also the relational unity that is celebrated, created, and re-created throughout a couple’s married life. This unification is the celebration of the soul-deep bond that is present when a couple knows and experiences the certainty that they are together, permanently, for a divine purpose. They know their expression of love is meant to represent the loving relationship of Jesus and His church.

Paul David Tripp in What Did You Expect?

Healthy marriages are healthy because the people in those marriages find joy in canceling debts. I cannot think of a more essential ingredient in marriage than forgiveness. Yet forgiveness is not always attractive. Forgiveness is difficult and costly. It will push you to the borders of your faith. It will tempt you to fear and doubt. But when forgiveness is granted and debts are canceled, the return is much greater than the cost.

The Bible is very clear: What you plant, you will harvest (Gal. 6:7). In a marriage, every day you harvest what you previously planted and plant what you will someday harvest.

It seems almost too obvious to say, but forgiveness is a much better way. It is the only way to live in an intimate, long-term relationship with another sinner. It is the only way to negotiate through the weakness and failure that will daily mark your marriage. It is the only way to deal with hurt and disappointment. It is the only way to have hope and confidence restored. It is the only way to protect your love and reinforce the unity that you have built. It is the only way not to be kidnapped by the past. It is the only way to give your marriage the blessing of fresh starts and new beginnings.

The cost of forgiveness is great, but the harvest of forgiveness is a beautiful thing…

Little foxes

2011-04-15T04:13:00.000-07:00

It’s 3:06 AM and I’m frustrated.

I haven’t slept well all week. And now tonight, after more than four hours of tossing and turning, exhausted yet sleepless, I’ve finally lost it. Poor Eddie’s done everything he can (and all in patient loving-kindness, while I’ve huffed and fumed, which of course doesn’t solve anything): he’s woken up several times to stroke my head, hold me, pray over me, and speak words of comfort to me.

He’s so wonderful.

I’m so tired.

I keep getting up to pee or pace the living room, and I just downed a big bowl of cereal as if it were a miracle sleeping pill.

We have a sleep-inducing rainforest soundtrack playing, the air turned down to 69, and I’ve read the beginning of The Scarlet Pimpernel by Orczy. Baby Jeremy won’t let up—I feel like my insides have been kicked and punched for 12 hours straight. (I’m convinced I have internal bruising.)

Ugh. Listen to me. I’m tougher than this.

I’ve survived the past two months of excruciating, debilitating pain, without the aid of painkillers. Before marriage, I survived years of sleep deprivation, perpetually running on four to six hours of sleep for long and demanding days.

So why all the frustration tonight?

I mean… this morning.

I was re-reading portions of Kris Lundgaard’s book The Enemy Within earlier today (ahem, yesterday) and was freshly reminded of the raging battle of sin that constantly takes place within me. (While I’m daily and keenly aware of my sin struggle, I needed Lundgaard’s straight-shooting talk today. He helped me see some of my blind spots.) As I read, I prayed strongly that Eddie and I would be alert to sin, keep watchful and diligent in our fight against it, and be victorious in the Spirit. I guess I was thinking of the “big” sins or obvious ones. You know, the predictable ones—the stuff I usually fight against.

It’s as if I’m armed and ready for Goliath, but it can be the “little foxes that spoil the vineyards” (Song of Songs 2:15), can’t it? It can be those sneaky, undetected sins that ruin us over time.

A couple of years ago I would have lopped off my left arm to be married and pregnant—to be uncomfortable and sleepless because of a baby growing inside me. These are long-anticipated gifts and joys! And now I have the audacity to get all bent out of shape and huffy?

O Lord, help me catch these little foxes that spoil the vineyards! Help me be on my guard, not only against my “usual” sinful tendencies and temptations, but also against the subtle (and seemingly justified) attitudes and responses that can sneak in and steal my joy.

Well, it’s 4:01 AM, and Baby Jeremy is still kickin’ it, but I’m in a much better frame of mind now. Perhaps I’ll catch the sunrise this morning… and surprise my dear, patient husband with a pancake breakfast.

What I'm praying...

2011-04-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

Inspired by our pastor, Milton Vincent, I've been meditating on Ephesians 1-3 over the past couple of weeks. As I've camped out in this passage and taken in its beautiful scenery of truths and promises, I've begun praying through it for friends and family (and for myself)!

I've been praying...

That God may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him

That the eyes of your heart may be enlightened

That you may know: (1) the hope to which he has called you, (2) the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and (3) the immeasurable greatness of his power toward you

That you should walk in the good works God prepared for you beforehand

That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being

That you will be rooted and grounded in love

That you may have strength to comprehend the breadth and length and height and depth of the love of Christ (which surpasses knowledge)

That you may be filled with all the fullness of God

Stocking our kitchen for healthy and cost-efficient cooking

2011-04-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

A friend once asked me how I stocked my kitchen for healthy cooking. It was a great question that I never got around to answering on paper. So this is for Em, a few years overdue! (And this is when I wish I had comments enabled: I’d love to hear how all of you stock your kitchens, too!)

1. Bananas (I always make sure I have two or three ripening on the top of our fridge and two or three frozen. They come in handy for soooo many recipes!)

2. Olive oil, and lots of it!

3. Seasonings and spices: sea salt, peppercorns (grind ‘em fresh), cumin, cinnamon, TJ’s 21-season mix, garlic salt, red pepper flakes, cayenne, rosemary, oregano, bay leaves, basil

4. Grains and flours: (gluten-free for us) brown rice, oats, potato

5. Red onion (refrigerated to lessen the sting on my eyes)

6. Cereal: juice-sweetened corn flakes (for me) and peanut butter puffs (for him)

7. Almond milk

8. Peanut butter (the kind you gotta stir! no sugar added!)

9. Canned tomatoes (diced, sauce, paste)

10. Rice and pasta

11. Meats: ground turkey (always on hand); chicken and fish (as we have need)

12. Sweeteners: honey, agave, Grade A maple syrup, brown sugar

13. Baking goods: Xantham gum, baking soda, baking powder, vanilla extract

14. Garlic cloves

15. Lemons (occasionally limes)

16. Hot sauce, soy sauce, red wine vinegar, balsamic vinegar, apple cider vinegar, Worcestershire sauce

17. Flax seeds and nuts (typically pecans, sunflower seeds, or almonds)

18. Tea bags and coffee

19. Eggs

20. Spinach (fresh)

21. Frozen loaf of bread (sliced, gluten-free)

22. Bag of baked or popped chips

23. Fresh fruits and veggies: carrots, apples, celery, artichokes (high in fiber, good for the liver, and digestive therapy!), grapes, sweet potatoes, etc.

24. Protein powder (Tempt is my favorite so far)

25. Tortillas

26. Chicken broth

From this basic stock I can make a wide variety of healthy meals (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), snacks, and desserts for about $100 per week for the two of us. I could get away for cheaper if I bought more packaged and processed foods (and if we didn't live in pricey So Cal), but we’re committed to trying to eat as healthy as we can (and a bit obligated too because of my health issues)—within a reasonable budget.

Having a basic stock makes grocery shopping easier and budgeting more predictable. Of course we change things up when we want, but this stock allows me to work with a lot of different recipes and have tons of fun creatively experimenting in the kitchen. And when I'm running low on groceries and have an odd mix of ingredients on hand, I Google the list of my ingredients and see what new recipes I can make!

Some of you are far more pro at stocking than I am, that’s for sure! Feel free to share your tricks of the trade by emailing me at ChaoGirl10@gmail.com. Would love to hear what you’ve learned and how you eat healthy without breaking the bank!

The highest joy

2011-04-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

"The highest joy, the greatest pleasure, the purest delight will be ours without mixture and without end. One taste of this felicity will erase all painful memories and heal each dreadful wound incurred in this vale of tears. No scar will remain. The pilgrim’s progress will be complete. The body of death, the burden of sin, will vaporize the moment we behold his face.”

- R.C. Sproul, The Soul’s Quest for God